Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Being the Queen

I read the following story for the first time a couple of years ago.  If you read it without an open mind you could completely miss the point.  So, with an open mind . . .

When Queens Ride By



John and Jennie Musgrave had eager plans when they married and took over the old farm. But their great faith dwindled as the first years passed. John worked later and later in the evenings. Jennie took more and more of the heavy tasks upon her own shoulders and had no time for the home and children. They were no further on and life had degenerated into a straining, hopeless struggle.


One hot afternoon, Jennie was loading baskets of tomatoes to take to town when the children came running to tell her there was a dressed-up lady at the kitchen door. Wearily she followed the children back and saw a woman in a gray tweed coat that seemed somehow to be a part of her straight, slim body. A small gray hat with a rose quill was drawn low over her brownish hair. She was not young, but she was beautiful! An aura of eager youth clung to her, a clean and exquisite freshness.


The stranger in turn saw a young woman, haggard and weary. Her eyes looked hard and hunted. Her calico dress was shapeless and begrimed from her work.




Stranger (sailing): “How do you do? We parked our car in the shade of your lane to have lunch and rest awhile. And I walked on up to buy a few apples, if you have them.”


Jennie (grudgingly): “Won't you go in and sit down? I'll go and pick the apples.”


Stranger: “May I go with you? I'd love to help pick them.”


Jennie: “Why, I s'pose so. If you can get out here through the dirt.” (She led the way along the unkempt path toward the orchard. She had never been so acutely conscious of the disorder about her. She reached the orchard and began to drag a long ladder from the fence to the apple tree.)


Stranger (crying out): “Oh, but you can't do that! It's too heavy. Please let me pick a few from the ground.”


Jennie: “Heavy? This ladder! I wish I didn't ever lift anything heavier than this.


After hoistin' bushel baskets of tomatoes onto a wagon, this feels light to me.”


Stranger: “But — but, do you think you should? Do you think it's right ... Why, that's a man's work.”


Jennie (furiously): “Right! Who are you to be askin' me whether I'm right or not?


A person like you don't know what work is!”


Stranger (soothingly): “I'm sorry I annoyed you by saying that. If you were to tell me all about it — because I'm a stranger — perhaps it would help. Why can't we sit down here and rest a minute?”


Jennie: “Rest? Me sit down to rest, an' the wagon loaded to go to town? It'll hurry me to get back before dark.”


Stranger: “Just take the time you would have spent picking the apples. I wish I could help you. Won't you tell me why you have to work so hard?”


Jennie (half sullenly): “There ain't much to tell only that we ain't getting' ahead.


Henry Davis is talkin' about foreclosin' on us if we don't soon pay some principal.


The time of the mortgage is out this year an' mebbe he won't renew it. And it ain't that I haven't done my part. I'm bare thirty, and I might be fifty. I'm so weather beaten.


That's the way I've worked.”


Stranger: “And you think that has helped your husband?”


Jennie (sharply): “Helped him? Why wouldn't it help him?”


Stranger: “Men are such queer things, husbands especially. For instance, they want us to be economical, and yet they love to see us in pretty clothes. They need our work and yet they want us to keep our youth and beauty. And sometimes they don't know themselves which they really want most. So we have to choose. That's what makes it so hard.


Just after we were married, my husband decided to have his own business so he started a very tiny one. I helped my husband in the store, but we would both be tired and discouraged after a hard day at the office and we didn't seem to be having any great success. The house got run down and dinner was always a hasty affair, and soon we both started complaining and bickering with each other.


Finally, we decided that maybe I should stay at home and let him take care of his work at the office as best he could. And then I worked in my house to make it a clean, shining, happy place. My husband would come home dead tired and discouraged, ready to give up the whole thing. But after he had eaten and sat in our bright little living room, and I had told him all the funny things I could invent about my day, I could see the change in him. By bedtime, he had his courage back, and by morning he was all ready to go out and fight again. And at last he won.


(Jennie did not speak. She only regarded her guest with a half-resentful understanding.)


The stranger continued: “There was a queen once, who reigned in troubled days. And every time the country was on the brink of war and the people ready to fly into a panic, she would put on her showiest dress and take her court with her and go hunting. And when the people would see her riding by, they were sure all was well with the government. So she tided over many a danger.


“And I've tried to be like her. Whenever a big crisis comes in my husband's business, or when he's discouraged, I put on my prettiest dress and get the best dinner I know how, or give a party! And somehow it seems to work. That's the woman's part, you know, to play the queen ...”


(A faint “honk, honk” came from the lane. The stranger started to her feet.”)


“That's my husband. I must go. Please don't bother about the apples. I'll just take these few from under the tree.” (She took some coins from her purse) “And give these to the children.”


Jennie's thoughts were too confused for speech, but, as she watched the stranger's erect figure hurrying towards the lane, she remembered her words with the pain of anger.


Jennie: “Easy enough for her to set talkin' about queens! She never felt the work at her throat like a wolf. Talk about choosin'! I haven't got no choice. I just got to keep a goin', like I always have ...”


She stopped suddenly and picked up a fairy-like hanky of white linen that the stranger had dropped. Its faint, delicious fragrance made her think wistfully of strange, sweet things. Of gardens in the early summer dusk; of wide, fair rooms with the moonlight shining in them; of pretty women in beautiful dresses dancing, and men admiring them.


She, Jennie, had nothing of that. Everything about their lives, hers and John's, was coarsened, soiled somehow by the dragging, endless labor of the days. Suppose ... suppose ... suppose she were to try doing what the stranger had said, suppose she spent her time on the house and let the outside work go. . .


Jennie (with sudden resolution): “Mebbe I'm crazy, but I'm going to do it!”


Jennie brushed her hair, changed her shoes, and put on her one good dress. Then with something of the burning zeal of a fanatic, she attacked the confusion in the kitchen. By half-past four the room was clean. Now for supper! She decided upon fried ham and browned potatoes and apple sauce with hot biscuits, and pie. With a spirit of daring recklessness, she spread the one white table cloth on the table.


The first pan of flaky brown mounds had been withdrawn from the oven when Henry Davis' car came up the lane. Cold fear struck Jeannie. He could be coming for only one thing. As she stood shaken, wondering how she could live through what the next hour would bring, she heard the words again, “There was a queen once ...”


Jennie (cordially): “Well, Howd' you do, Mr Davis! Come right in. I'm real glad to see you. Been quite a while since you was over.”


Henry (embarrassed): “Why, no, not now, I won't go in. I just stopped to see John on a little matter of business. I'll just ...


Jennie: “You'll just come right in. John will be in from milkin' in a few minutes an' you can talk while you eat, both of you. I've supper just ready.”


Henry: “Why, now I reckon I'd just speak to John, an' then be gettin' on.”


Jennie: “They'll see you at home when you get there. You never tasted my hot biscuits with butter an' quince honey or you wouldn't take so much coaxin!”


(Henry Davis came into the big, clean kitchen and sat down. His eyes took in every homey detail of the orderly room.)


Jennie: “And how are things goin' with you, Mr. Davis?”


Henry: “Oh, so so. How are they with you?”


Jennie: “Why, just fine, Mr. Davis! It's been hard sleddin', but I sort of think the worst is over. We'll be ‘round to pay that mortgage so fast come another year that you'll be be surprised.”


Henry: “Well, now that's fine. I always wanted to see John make a success of the old place, but a man has to sort of watch his investments ... Well, now, I'm glad things are pickin' up a little.”


Jennie felt as though a tight hand at her throat had relaxed. At the kitchen door John stopped, staring blankly at the scene before him ... at Jennie moving about the bright table, chatting happily with Henry Davis! At Henry himself, his sharp features softened by an air of great satisfaction. At the sixth plate on the white cloth — Henry was staying for supper! But the silent depths of John's nature served him well. He made no comment. He merely shook hands with Henry Davis and then washed his face in the sink.


Jennie arranged the savory dishes, and they sat down to supper. Henry seemed to grow more and more genial and expansive as he ate. So did John. By the time the pie was set before them, they were laughing over a joke Henry had heard at Grange meeting. As they rose from the table, Henry brought the conversation awkwardly around to his errand.


Jennie (quickly): “I told him, John, that the worst's over now, and we're getting on fine! I told him we'd be swampin' him pretty soon with payments. Ain't that right, John?”


John's mind was not analytical. He had been host at a delicious supper with his ancient adversary, whose sharp face was marvelously softened. Jennie's eyes were shining with a new and amazing confidence. It was a natural moment for unreason[able] optimism.


John: “Why, that's right, Mr. Davis. I believe we can start clearin' this off now pretty soon. If you could just see your way to renew the terms ...”


It was done. The papers went back in Davis' pocket. They had bid him a cordial good-bye at the door. Jennie cleared off the table and began to wash the dishes.


John was fumbling through the papers on a hanging shelf. He finally sat down with an old tablet and pencil.


John: “I believe I'll do a little figurin' since I've got time tonight. It just struck me if I used my head a little more, I'll get on faster.”


Jennie: “Well, now you might.” (She polished two big apples and placed them on a saucer beside him.)


John (pleased): “Now, that's what I like. Say, you look sort of pretty tonight.”


Jennie (smiling): “Go along with you.”


But a wave of color swept up in her sallow cheeks. John had looked more grateful over her setting those two apples beside him now than he had the day last fall when she had lifted all the potatoes by herself! Maybe even John had been needing something else more than he had needed the hard, back-breaking work she had been giving him.


Jennie walked to the doorway and stood looking off through the darkness. A thin, haunting breath of sweetness rose from the bosom of her dress where she had tucked the scrap of white linen. She wished that she could somehow tell the beautiful stranger that her words had been true ... that she, Jennie, was going to fulfill her women's part. She had read the real needs of John's soul from his eyes that evening. Yes, wives had to choose for their husbands sometimes.


At that very moment, speeding along the sleek highway, a woman in a gray coat with a soft gray hat and a rose quill leaned suddenly close to her husband.


Husband: “Tired?”


Stranger: “I'm all right. Only, I can't get that poor woman at the farm out of my mind.


It was so hopeless.”


Husband (smiling tenderly): “Well, I'm sorry, too, but you mustn't worry. Good gracious, darling, you're not weeping over it, I hope.”


Stranger: “No, truly, just two little tears. I know it's silly, but I did so want to help her and I know what I said sounded insane. She wouldn't know what I was talking about. She just looked up with that blank, tired face. And it all seemed so impossible. No ... I'm not going to cry. Of course I'm not ... but ... lend me your handkerchief, will you dear? I've lost mine somehow.” (By Olive White Fortenbacher, published by Walter H. Baker, Co., 1932, Agnes Slight Turnbull, editor and compiler.)

Tonight was one of those moments when I chose to present the shiny apples.  I went grocery shopping, planned a nice dinner, straightened the house with a little extra zeal, took a little extra thought about what I was wearing, and payed extra attention to my kids.  When James  came home things were in order and of course he was a little surprised and maybe even a little suspicious.  Lately, things have been less than orderly.  It takes effort and planning to be a "queen" and sometimes it doesn't seem all that important.  However, on nights like these, I do believe that it makes a difference.  If mom is in control, smiling, and looking her best, "All must be well in the land."

The kids did their homework early and we were able to have a very nice evening together making Christmas goodies, laughing, and being silly.  They all need that when they come home, my husband and my kids.  Although there is no one there to do it for me, someone must be there to do it for them.  As a woman, I am capable of doing A LOT of things, some things just as good as any man (or better;).  But sometimes . . .  shiny apples mean the most.  Here's to being the Queen! 
As a side note, I must mention that I come from a long line of Queens.  I owe my Mother and Grandmothers a great deal for their tremendous examples to me.  I LOVE YOU ALL!
Proof of our enjoyable evening.


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Monday, November 29, 2010

A Hard Days Work

Sometimes hard work is the best remedy for a good old fashioned rut such as the one that I have been in.  I worked all day today doing things that I have been stepping over for weeks.  It felt great and I feel great tonight!  I did things like; going through papers, organizing hand outs and schedules for the kids, updating my calendar, clearing out the garage, and a quick rearranging of some things in my closet.  I really needed today!  I read a quote once that said, "Do something every day that doesn't have to be redone tomorrow."  I think this is sound advice!!  Try it!

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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Be. Become.

"We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day."  ~ Richard G. Scott

     I was lying on my bed the other day with the very look of indifference written all over my face.  I was skimming through the pages of our most recent Conference issue of the Ensign trying to feel the urge to read something.  I just wasn't feeling it.  Come to think of it, I have not been "feeling it" for a while.  How long has it been, really?  I felt the numbing sensations of cynicism creeping into my mind with every sentence.  Blame it on the adversary, this was just not my day.  The funny thing is, as I forced myself to read one of the articles I came across this line, "We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day."  It stood out to me as I read it and rang true to me at the time but then I was right back to cynicism and indifference. 
     What is interesting to me is that since that day I have thought of this statement MANY times.  I guess that just goes to show that you can get inspiration even when the all odds, and even your own attitude, are against you. 

     What I want to become . . . now there is something to think about!  I used to think about it all of the time when I was young.  I have a pretty good understanding of what I do not want to become.  I see it in moments like walking into church 15 minutes late, running around on a Monday morning trying to find matching socks for the kids, never having toilet paper in any of our bathrooms but my own, forgetting a parent teacher conference, going to bed without prayer of scripture study, getting angry at the kids just for being kids, scraping dinner together out of this and that, and on and on.  What I didn't want to become stares me right in the face and can get me feeling too overwhelmed to deal with thinking about what I actually do want to become.
  For some reason, the idea of  "being" what I want to become consistently made it seem simple. 
  
Take it one day at a time.

So, that is what I intend to do. 

Take it one day at a time.  Keep it simple.  Make small changes every day for that one day.  In time, I hope to become that person that I visualize in my minds eye.

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Sunday, October 24, 2010

Do Today's Work Today

     When I was a little girl I remember my Mom as being always in motion.  She NEVER stopped.  She would move from one room to the next, picking up this, putting away that, closing a door here or there, wiping off the counter, sweeping the floor, folding clothes, putting clothing away, and on and on and on.  The real trick was the way that it was just "her."  She never seemed like she was just trying to get things over with.  That was just the way that she operated, almost like a personality trait.  She is still that way today.  When Mom is around things are in order.  I have often thought that she really ought to just "let it go" until tomorrow, or sit down for a bit and do it later.
       Lately I have been pretty consistant in my house cleaning and straightening.  I have found myself flitting around at night from room to room "putting the house to sleep" as I have heard it called.  The closer thing get to being in order there is a stillness that enters my home and more importantly, my spirit.  I feel calm.  I am coming to realize that this is why my Mother does things this way.  It is so much easier to do today's work today and it brings a sense of peace.  I'm not talking about always having things mopped and vacuumed and deep cleaned.  I simply refering to the kinds of messes that happen day to day; toys, backpacks, papers, dishes, etc. etc.  So anyway, I guess I just want to say, "Thanks Mom!"  You have taught me a valuable lesson all of these years and I think I am finally getting it.  Love you! 

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Be Present for Your Kids

You will notice that in the title of this post I did not say be there for your kids, I said be present for your kids.  I think that we are all  there for our kids when they need us but are we truly present for them? 

     I think one of the greatest challenges that I face as a Mother is that of always being distracted.  The world we live in now is fast pace.  There is always something that can grab my attention, something that needs to be done, and even more often, something that I choose to do that seems more interesting at the time i.e. talking on the phone, checking my email, texting, blogging, facebook, etc.  When we get tired of the monotony of every day life as a Mother there are a hundred things that we can escape to because of the wonders of modern technology. 

     Unfortunately, I think that we are being robbed.  It is easy to see that our children are being robbed but you know what, so are we!  I know that my children need me to care for their every need but sometime I think I overlook the simple fact that I NEED THEM.  I need their innocence, I need their unconditional love and acceptance, I need their perspective as they discover things for the first time, I need their sweet words and their little spirits to remind me of what is important and what is trivial.  I need to take the time to laugh with them, read to them, hug them, kiss them, tickle them, and PLAY with them not only because they need it but because they are a part of me, and when I give to them, I am giving to myself.  

      As I was pushing my babies on the swings, and reading stories in the grass, I realized that the simplicity is for me just as much as it is for them.  There is one God given ability that women have that can be our greatest salvation or our great demise; that is the ability that we have to multitask. I think that we get in the habit of always doing at lease two things at once and we lose the ability to simply focus on one thing, our child.   There are times when we can fold laundry and have a meaningful conversation with our daughter, or read out spelling words while we cook dinner, but there are other times when we need to be fully present and not distracted by any other task. 

Simply pushing my kids on the swing, feeling the sun on my skin and the breeze through my hair, hearing their laughter bouncing off the back of the house, suddenly I notice, I can breathe, and breathing keeps me alive.  

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Too long

It has been too long since my last post.  I have been a little lost in thought.  A lot of things are changing right now in my life.  My best friend is moving away, my sisters are going back to Utah and I just lost a long time friend yesterday to cancer.  Years ago, these kinds of things would have me coming apart.  Now, I just feel quiet.  Life is about change.  I'm trying to take it in stride.  I will get back to posting soon.  Until then . . .

Monday, September 27, 2010

Mom! It's time to get up!

  Our theme for the school year was simply, "Be on Time."  This theme was general for every aspect of our lives and it is something that I really struggle with.  In order to be on time you have to be prepared as well.  Anyway, the girls have been ON TIME EVERY DAY THIS YEAR!  Let me repeat:  the girls have been ON TIME  EVERY DAY THIS YEAR!  (To school that is).  What's my secret?  I put them in charge!  If it were up to me I can assure you that they would have been late probably once a week at the least.  What did we do?  We bought the little ladies their own alarm clock and they turn it on every night.  THEY even lay out their clothes the night before.  Every morning I wake up to the two of them dressed from head to toe, standing at my bedside.  "It's time to wake up Mom," they say.  I groan and turn over to my side.  It is so hard to get up. By the time I am out of bed they are packing up their backpacks and in the kitchen for breakfast.  I cannot believe that I didn't think of this before!  This is amazing!!  Thanks to Audrey and Rachel, we have yet to miss the bus and you know what?  I am feeling quite accomplished (even thought I don't deserve any of the credit!)

Monday, September 6, 2010

New Goal

I'm going public with my goal!!!  I need a little extra boost to help me to commit.  I recently finished a fitness competition that I entered into with James.  I had a great time and I am so glad that I did it.  The only problem is that after loosing 15 lbs and improving my fitness level, the competition is over and I need new motivation.  I reached my original goal but as in most things now that I am here I want more!  I want to lose another five lbs.  So, I am going on record here to say that in 21 days I am going to lose 5 lbs.  I was doing great with my eating habits all summer but since the competition I have been on a complete carb and sugar binge!  Starting RIGHT NOW, I am going back to my good habits, no sugar for 21 days (and then sparingly), no crackers, chips, or empty carbs, whole wheat breads, pastas, and rice, low fat dairy, and LOTS of veggies and fruits!  I can do it.  I have done it before.  Of course I will be exercising five days a week.  I plan to go to the early morning classes at the gym and become one of those "over the top" women in the classes that do the whole class like they are on speed!  I would like to get certified to teach and then I will get paid to work out!  Ready, Set, GO!!!

Friday, September 3, 2010

Friday Afternoon

I'm tired.  I'm not sure if it is more from lack of stimuli or actual lack of sleep.  Adam just informed me that he is hungry and then flashed me his most charming, "I hope she takes the bait" sort of grins.  I'm opening the bag of sunchips that he has brought to me from the "not so secret" hiding place that I had them in.  "They are NOT gone," he says, and then gives me a satisfying glance over the shoulder.
      "Chi-ips!" exclaims Claire as she toddles in from the other room wanting in on the fun.  There is something fun about sunchips to be sure.  I have found my way to the bottom of a sinful too many a bag myself!  It's much better, I have found, to buy the large bags instead of the smaller one serving bags.  It gives you the sense that you are just going to have "a few" and then you don't know that you have actually helped yourself to about three servings worth!   Two kids are set up at the kitchen table, happily eating sunchips or "licking" all of the seasoning off of them. (Claire) 
     The doorbell rings and it is the big sisters with a loot of smarties to share!  I am now fighting with the wrappings of three bundles of smarties all fastened together aggressively with tape.  Nothing is easy folks, nothing.  Canned laughter from the TV floats in from the other room to land in my spot at the computer.  My office chair is missing one of the wheels at its feet, so I am sitting a bit lopsided says a small twinge in my lower back.  I lift and scoot the chair into place and slide backward hoping to have a little better position.  Maybe if the slope is forward or backward instead of side to side?  Now for the pesky afternoon headache.  Why am I so tired all of the time?  I really wish I had a sitter for "date night" tonight.

   

Monday, August 16, 2010

Loneliness and Depression

An excerpt from "Eat Pray Love"
by:  Elizabeth Gilbert
Depression and Loneliness track me down after about ten days in Italy. I am walking through the Villa Borghese one evening after a happy day spent in school, and the sun is setting gold over St Peter's Basilica. I am feeling contented in this romantic scene, even if I am all by myself, while everyone else in the park is either fondling a lover of playing with a laughing child. But I stop to lean against a balustrade and watch the sunset, and I get to thinking a little too much, and then my thinking turns to brooding, and that's when they catch up with me.


They come upon me all silent and menacing like Pinkerton Detectives, and they flank me- Depression on my left, Loneliness on my right. They don't need to show me their badges. I know these guys very well. We've been playing a cat-and-mouse game for years now. Though I admit that I am surprised to meet them in this elegant Italian garden at dusk. This is no place they belong.


I say to them, "How did you find me here? Who told you I had come to Rome?"
Depression, always the wise guy, says, "What- you're not happy to see us?"

"Go away," I tell him.

Loneliness, the more sensitive cop, says "I'm sorry ma'am. But I might have to tail you the whole time you're travelling. It's my assignment."

"I'd really rather you didn't," I tell him, and he shrugs almost apologetically, but only moves closer.

Then they frisk me. They empty my pockets of any joy I had been carrying there. Depression even confiscates my identity; but he always does that. Then Loneliness starts interrogating me, which I dread because it always goes on for hours. He's polite but relentless, and he always trips me up eventually. He asks if I have any reason to be happy that I know of. He asks why I am all by myself tonight, yet again. He asks (though we've been through this line of questioning hundreds of times already) why I can't keep a relationship going, why I ruined my marriage, why I messed things up with David, why I messed things up with every man I've ever been with. He asks me where I was the night I turned thirty, and why things have gone so sour since then. He asks why I can't get my act together, and why I'm not at home living in a nice house and raising nice children like any respectable woman my age should be. He asks why, exactly, I think I deserve a vacation in Rome when I've made such a rubble of my life. He asks me why I think that running away to Italy like college kid will make me happy. He asks where I think I'll end up on my old age, if I keep living this way.

I walk back home, hoping to shake them, but they keep following me, these two goons. Depression has a firm hand on my shoulder and Loneliness harangues me with his interrogation. I don't even bother eating dinner; I don't want them watching me. I don't want to let them up the stairs to my apartment, either, but I know Depression, and he's got a billy club, so there's no stopping him from coming in if he decides that he wants to.

"It's not fair for you come come here," I tell Depression. "I paid you off already. I served my time back in New York."

But he just gives me that dark smile, settles into my favourite chair, puts his feet on my table and lights a cigar, filling the place with his awful smoke. Loneliness watches and sighs, then climbs into my bed and pulls the covers over himself, fully dressed, shoes and all. He's going to make me sleep with him again tonight, I just know it.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Knowing what's good for you and doing it!

I really can't believe how tired I am today!  The problem is that sometimes when I feel down and out, I don't do ANYTHING that I know will make me feel better.  I stay up too late, sleep in too late, I don't clean things up, I wallow, I eat the wrong things, etc. . .

I need to go to bed early tonight.

I need to eat a healthy dinner.

I need to exercise.

I need to straighten up my house and put away my laundry.

The question is, will I do it??

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

A Friendly Predicament

Why doesn't anybody ever call my kids to play? 

My kids are very social little beings, whether by nature or nurture, it is so.  They LOVE to play with friends.  Any old friend will do.  Are we weird?  Why is it that we are always the ones having to instigate the "play over" as my kids call it?  Do my kids behave badly when I am not around, are they bossy or inappropriate?  It begs the question.  Here I am today with my predicament.  The kids want to play with friends, I don't want to make the calls - again!  I wish we were still in Utah where there were friends coming out of all corners of the Universe, all ready and willing to play, all day and all night! 

Friday, August 6, 2010

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Clearing the Cobwebs

I just got back last night from my month long vacation from reality.  It is time to dust my life off, clear away the cobwebs and settle in.  Would you believe me if I told you I am already exhausted after being home for one day?  I came home from our vacation feeling completely rejuvenated.  My cup was filled.  It was everything I wanted it to be and more. 
I did a lot of "arm chair parenting today."  I just didn't have any energy. 
I will give myself a day or two and then as James said, "get back in the saddle."

Here I go . . .

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Mommy Survivor Kit


The number 1. tool you should have in your Mommy Survival kit is a Best Girlfriend (s)!  This is absolutely essential!!  Many a woman has tried and failed to survive without this key element. 
A husband cannot fill this requirement even with his best effort!
Try to choose friends who are positive and uplifting and can help you achieve your goals. 
You will be better for it!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Happy Returns

It is quiet.  Claire is asleep and James took the kids to a Birthday party and let me stay home all. by. myself.  It is amazing that I had moments like this only two short weeks ago on a semi regular basis.  It now seems like a lifetime ago.  The sounds of summer have filled every moment to the brim and silence has taken a vacation.  It is surprising to me just how exhausted I am.  I am training for a fitness competition that will be held at the end of this summer.  I am certain that has contributed to my exhaustion but I have a feeling that I would feel this way even without the extra exercise.  Claire is growing at lightening speed.  She isn't really even a baby anymore.  I always wondered how my Mom made the decision that she was "done" having kids.  When I questioned her she said that she never even thought about it again.  I am beginning to understand.  There is no time to think about something like that.  I am so busy, so full, so overextended, even fulfilled.  I have been at a loss for words lately.  I think I am in a learning phase.  I don't have much to say because I'm still figuring it out, formulating my opinions, experiencing my experiences.  There are no conclusions.  What a journey I am on.  It not much about finding myself, it is about giving myself to the people that I love until there is almost nothing left to give.  The trick is in finding the happy returns and filling my cup with the small quiet affirmations that what I am doing is worth it. 

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Individuality in Marriage

You dream your whole life about the man that you will Marry. Tall, dark and handsome, green eyes, funny, smart, dedicated to the Lord, loyal, etc. etc. You can't wait to have that person that will always be there, that won't ever let you down. You will walk hand in hand, smiling through life, kissing and smelling the roses!

     I think the biggest misconception that I had was that after I was married I would never have to be alone again - ever! My better half would fulfill my every need, fill all voids and provide me with endless entertainment.
     I am happy to say that I LOVE my marriage. I can't say that I have never been lonely, or that my husband has fulfilled my every need. What I can say is that after nine and a half years, my marriage feels like an old pair of jeans, they fit just right most days but are occasionally a little snug when I eat a big meal or forget to hang them dry.
     For now, I think that the most important thing I have learned is this: to be an individual and allow my husband to be an individual as well.
     Those of you who know my husband can vouch that there are few people more "individual" than he is. I learned early on that if I was ever going to survive in my new life I was going to have to learn how to enjoy being by myself! Being an only child, he has always walked to the beat of his own drum. Whether I played a snare, bass, tom tom, bongos, or a GONG, he wasn't going to walk to the beat of mine.
     Over time, I have adopted the belief that marriage is a partnership between individuals that respect one another and allow one another to be who they are. It is okay to disagree in marriage. It is okay to not enjoy something that your spouse enjoys. Just because you are unified does not mean that you have to see the world through the same lens. If we respect one another's view points, we can have a more accurate picture of reality.
     I believe that with space, patience, and lots of unconditional love and support, we will see our spouse blossom into the best version of himself. As women we like to micromanage things. It is important to remind ourselves from time to time to get out of their way.


The following is a poem that my Brother showed to me when I was searching for poetry for my sisters Wedding Book. I really like the message that it holds.

Sing and dance together and be joyous
but let each one of you be alone,
even as the strings of a lute are alone so they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts but not into each other keeping.
For only the hand of life can contain your heart.
Stand together but not too near together:
 for the pillars of the temple stand apart,
and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each
others shadow.
–kahlil Gibran

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Ugh!

There has been lots of positivity on here lately so here's some ugly truth . . . I'm GRUMPY!!! I didn't get enough sleep last night and I am DONE! I need all of my kids to be asleep and out of my hair, not splashing water all over my bathroom floor and yelling at the top of their lungs! Ugh!! Where is my Nanny when I need her?

Monday, May 24, 2010

Just over the next hill . . .

Dear Audrey, Rachel, Adam, and Claire,

I am writing this blog for you and today there is something that I want to say. I have had a sizable struggle with anxiety. It is not crippling as it can be for others but it is there nonetheless. I think every Mother has it in some degree. There is just something in me that has to worry. I worry about everything from the serious to the trivial to the completely illogical. Here is the point. It is not worth it to worry.
I have spent a great deal of time waiting; waiting for things to be more organized, life to slow down, for you to be older and more independant. Then, then I will have things together, I will have peace and stability and confidence. As time goes on, I am realizing that I will never arrive at any certain destination. Today may be all that matters. There are over a hundred cliches written on the matter, but for good reason.
There are always going to be reasons to worry. What is the cure for doubt and worry? FAITH. I used to think that having faith meant that I wouldn't worry because the bad thing that I was worried about wouldn't happen if I had faith. I am coming to understand that faith cures worry because we know that even if the bad thing does happen, it will be okay. We will find the strength to deal with what comes, the Lord will comfort us and teach us and we will come out on the other side stronger and wiser.
Having an eternal perspective is paramount to a happy life. Especially in this world of short sighted-ness. I am going to try to stop looking just over the next hill and start looking instead at the sunlight between the trees.
I hope that you will all have more faith than I. You will need it.





Saturday, May 22, 2010

Weekend J.O.Y.

J- Today Adam was carrying in the groceries from the car for me and said, "Mom . . . look . . . I have BIG MUSCLE'S!" He is such a little man and just melts me:)

O- Enjoying a wonderful evening with my little family and our friends at the park. The weather was surprisingly nice for this time of year. I love to be outside.

Y- Kissing Claire's soft cheeks in the pool and watching her sheer delight as she mimicked her siblings and ate chips in her car seat!

I also enjoyed watching a movie with my older girls last night. It is so nice to snuggle their little bodies.

Today was a really good day. It is the kind of day that makes you grateful to be alive. I spend so much time worrying about what the future holds that I sometimes miss the here and now. Everything was perfect. The kids are Happy and Healthy, my marriage is strong. I know that life will bring us our fair share of trials and triumphs. I am just happy that I was blessed with today.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

J- Playing with my Baby today on the floor in the piano room. Peak-a-boo, tickles, and lots of kisses!

O-I ate lunch today alone while listening to peaceful music. I actaully had the brain space to think!

Y- Got a lot of cleaning done and had a nice workout!

Guilty

I'll admit, I am a bit of a self help junkie. I get a lot out of these types of books. I don't read them cover to cover, I skim topics and find the ones that apply to me. While at Walgreens the other day I picked up "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" 100 of the Best Inspirations from the Best Selling Series. I am really enjoying it:)

I came across this . . .


"We take simple preferences and turn them into conditions for our own happiness." ~Richard Carlson
Guilty as charged!!! I do this all of the time! I realized how profound this really is. I have preferences and I have a lot of them: I want to be thinner, I want my house to be clean all the time, I want to do fun things with my children, I want to have more free time, and on and on. How terrible that I have turned these things into actual conditions upon which my happiness is contingent! I will be happy when . . .

I'm going to stop it now!

Just for laughs!



We'll get the last laugh won't we!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

J. O. Y.

Many many years ago, when I attended E.F.Y. (especially for youth) I had a counselor who challenged us to keep a joy journal. She asked us to write three things each day that brought us joy (one for each letter). I have done this on and off but I think that it is a nice concise way of keeping happy memories. So here we go again . . .



J- Enjoying a quiet afternoon with James. Adam was at his gymnastics Preschool, Claire was napping, the girls were at school, and I was enjoying a turkey sandwich, chips, and carrot sticks, compliments of my sweet husband.


O- Listening to Daddy singing "I once knew a boy named Bud Bud . . . " It is the worst song you have ever heard but it is oddly catchy. It goes on:

. . . who had big muscles

. . . who saved his sisters from a bear

. . . who saved his Mommy from a Tiger

etc. etc.

Adam gets so much delight in it and we laugh at James.


Y- Reading Harry Potter to the girls last night in my bed. I have never read the series and I am excited to read them with the kids this summer!


Here's a bonus one (yesterday was a good day).


-Listening to the rain and thunder and watching the lightening. Talking to James in candlelight when the power went out and being disappointed when the lights, TV, and computer all came back on!


Big Muscles!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Love it!


I wish something like this could really work!

Monday, April 26, 2010

UNCLE!

The last two weeks have brought parasites, ear infections, strep throat, and the stomach flu!

Uncle, I say uncle!




I feel like this wilting bouquet of once beutiful, thriving, flowers, bursting with color and smelling of sweetness: now just a shadow of what they once were, falling apart into pieces on my table and beginning to stink!




I also feel a little like this poor dead horsie on the girls bed (doesn't it look dead)?




. . . and the horsie's twin that has been burried by dirty clothes in the corner. (I definately feel like this one)



I am going crazy!!



I can't believe that we are back to this . . .

and this . . .



and this . . .


and this . . .



and still dealing with this . . .
(don't you think it's ironic that her throw up bucket says "party time")


(She just curled up like this on the floor)
Just two short weeks ago my house was clean EVERY DAY for 21 DAYS!!!
No more.
No more.


On another note: Don't you think this is cute??

(Mr. Clean because he ALWAYS has to have his face and hands clean)

Do you think it is bad for her to do this?




And here's to my Audrey, the only one who has remained Healthy! (the little stinker!)




Thursday, April 22, 2010

Women

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

What's for Dinner?

I recently read that if you know what you are making for dinner that night in the morning, you will have a much less stressful day! Turns out . . . it's true! I waste a lot of time and subconscious energy on what we are going to have for dinner. "What do we have in the freezer? I could make______ . . . oh but I don't have_______. What about this? or that?" This goes on for hours and I never really solve the problem until I am making bean and cheese quesadillas (My go to meal) at 6:30!
Figure out what you are going to have in the morning right after the kids are off to school. It is so much quieter and you can take things out of the freezer or cook chicken and set it aside. An ounce in the morning is worth it's weight in gold between 5:00-6:00 p.m.! Am I right or am I right!!!


Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Magic Butt Balm



4 oz 40% zinc oxide (nighttime relief Desitin)
4 oz petroleum jelly
1 oz triple antibiotic ointment

Works like a CHARM!!

Monday, April 19, 2010

Embracing the jeans that "fit"


(No this is not my rear end)


I have had an epiphany that I really need to "embrace" the stage that I am in and quit "resisting" it.

This stage requires constant selflessness!

These are the days of making meals, forts, and play dates; wiping noses, counters and floors; changing diapers, attitudes, and sheets; fixing lunches, boo boos and broken hearts. These are the days of digging deeper, working harder, and sleeping less. These are the days of blisters and dry skin, wrinkles, house pants, and cellulite!

I remember once when I went shopping with a friend. We were trying on jeans and right there in the middle of the dressing room, she got down on the floor Indian style. When I asked her what in the world she was doing she said that she wanted to, "make sure that she could play with her kids comfortably in the jeans." What?!



I can't tell you what an example she was to me that day of where my heart should be. It wasn't about whether or not her backside looked good in the jeans or whether or not they were fashionable (although those things are important too:). It was important to her to be able to get down and play with her children.



So, here's to play dough and paper dolls, mac and cheese and McDonald's, finger paints and frilly socks, goldfish crackers and Goldilocks, crayola and captain crunch, baseball and blowing bubbles, Disney and dollies, PBS and peanut butter and jelly!

Priceless Habits


I recently FELL OFF THE WAGON!!! I STOPPED working out altogether! I was sick of the pressure and wanted to get to a place where I could work out because it was a healthy lifestyle choice and not for the sole purpose of losing the ten lbs that I need to lose.
I am happy to say that I am getting there. I started a 21 day challenge about 10 days ago that I read about on "Asking Jane." She says that it takes 21 days to really feel the effects of something in your life and 21 days to really form a habit.
I started off really well with two days in a row of getting up early to work out! I was really excited!! Then, life happened. Swimming in a sea of duties and getting buried by wave after tidal wave of endless, sleepless nights, I managed to drag myself out of bed three glorious mornings out of the five that I had set out for. I say glorious because they became my saving grace to set the tone for my attitude and energy for the relentless hours of WORK that I was having to do day in and day out! I learned again that for me, getting up and having time to myself did SO MUCH MORE for me than getting an extra hour of sleep!
I was tempted to start over with my 21 days but soon realized that doing so would result in sure failure. There are always going to be weeks like last week. The very fact that I pulled myself out of bed THREE times during that week has given me the confidence that during a normal week I can do five easy! So, here I am, day 10 and I have only missed two days - not too bad!
I am feeling the difference in my life, motivation is making its way back into my psyche and most importantly, I feel more in control. Now, I don't have to wait until the evening to get time to myself, I have it in the morning and at night! Try it! You won't be sorry!

Friday, April 16, 2010

MOMents

Yesterday was the kind of day that no one tells you about before you are a parent. It was the kind of day that included, parasites, diaper rashes, ear infections, total strip down and clean of the entire house, laundry, laundry, and more laundry, excessive hand washing, sore ankles, and the like. In these moments I am tempted to wish away this time in my life. I am being humbled and taught much about service and sacrifice. I am coming to realize that it is my privilege to serve my family. The mundane things that I do from day to day are truly testaments of love. I could very easily go about my duties begrudgingly, but doing so would be to miss out on a beautiful experience. The Savior truly loved and served those around him. He was not above any task, why should I be? What better way to learn this lesson than by being a Mother. I believe that it was by design that women be required this kind of service to learn charity and to share the love of the Savior to all those around them. In this light, there are so many small and simple things that are great rewards to me. Small and simple moments that my heart is open and filled. Moments like the following:



The way that Adam looks at me. He loves me so unconditionally and depends on me for everything. We have a special bond that was born of the difficulty that he has had with communicating. (Not to mention he is my only son) I was his only ally in life when no one else could understand him. He trusts me completely. Our time together each night before he goes to bed is so special to both of us. He is my little man. (That is me under there)






The sheer joy of interacting with my Baby. There is something so natural about the love that you feel for your baby. They are so innocent and everything is new to them. You provide them with everything they need on a daily basis. A baby fills your cup in a way that nothing else can.

Feeling their soft squishy skin, hearing their first attempts at words, listening to their babble, seeing the world through their eyes, watching them learn to roll over, crawl, stand, walk and then run! What an amazing learning process. Seeing the sense of accomplishment written all over their little faces.



Watching my oldest child grow up and become so many things that I have tried to teach and emulate and so much more. Watching her care for her younger siblings and assume the role of the oldest that I am so familiar with. Seeing her mature and think for herself. It's hard to describe.




Seeing my children develop their own personalities, their own likes and dislikes, their own thoughts, their own emotions. They are, after all, individuals, little adults. It is the ultimate curiosity. I can think of few things more fun, be it a trip around the world or a fancy career. Few things are more fun than watching in awe as your children become themselves.



Funny moments that make us all giggle. Giggling children are contagious no matter what kind of mood that you are in.



Watching the older ones literally blossom into beautiful young ladies. Watching their hair grow, their faces change shape, and their bodies get taller and thinner. Listening to them read and watching them write sentences and creative stories. It is incredible to see.








Seeing the love that my husband has as a Father for his children. Being able to give him that experience. There are no words.



Experiencing the ups and downs of this great adventure with my best friend in life. The looks that we give each other when we are at our wits end, the bursts of laughter when things could not get more chaotic, the sorrows and vulnerability we share when we are faced with trials, the happiness and joy we feel equally over our children, the day in and day out chores that we juggle, the dreams, the hopes, the memories.




Just this week . . .

It was a really hard week. I got very little sleep, I WORKED ALL. DAY. EVERY. DAY. These are just a few of the moments that I would have missed.


*The surprising amount of gratification and accomplishment I felt when Adam finally said the letter sounds for L and G. It was as if I had passed a major exam or gotten an enormous pay raise.*


*When Adam came to me and said, "Momma, I have sugar in my eyes." (sand from the park)*



*Adam running to me while I was in the shower shouting, "Flower Doctor!" It was the only way he could think of to tell me that there was someone at the door with flowers. (from my sweet husband - another moment I would have missed)*



*Rachel's best lie about what the nurse said when she allegedly went to the nurse at school. "Well, I'm just not quite sure what to do about that" in her best nurse voice.*



*Claire's cute little lips making out the shape of the word "Eeeew!"*



*Adam surprising me with the knowledge of all of his letter sounds! He calls every letter a G but knows all of the sounds. Shock!* The letter G says . . . A, The letter G says . . . Puh, the letter G says . . . Buh, The letter G says Cuh . . ." *

*The way that Adam reaches up with his little hand and very abruptly turns my face toward his when I am on the computer.*


*Rachel reasoning about the plan of Salvation or why we need to tell the truth. She is such a deep thinker and comes up with questions and thoughts that blow my mind.*


*The way that Audrey came in last night from her date with her Daddy to the Miller outdoor theatre filled with energy and actually beaming! She was sipping a soda out of an old fashioned bottle with a straw. Her hair with its blonde streaks was wind blown and long down her back. Her cheeks were rosie from the chill in the air. She looked and felt more grown up than I think I have ever seen her.*



There are many days that it does not feel natural for me to be a Mother. It is hard work and sometimes I have a terrible attitude. The more time that goes on, and the more that is required of me, I realize that this role is completely necessary for me in this life. There is not better way for me to learn to be humble, to learn to serve, and to learn gratitude.

I feel blessed to be a Mother!
"The Homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only - and that is to support this ultimate career."
C.S. Lewis

"The ultimate result of all ambition is to be happy at home." Samuel Johnson

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