Happy Returns

It is quiet.  Claire is asleep and James took the kids to a Birthday party and let me stay home all. by. myself.  It is amazing that I had moments like this only two short weeks ago on a semi regular basis.  It now seems like a lifetime ago.  The sounds of summer have filled every moment to the brim and silence has taken a vacation.  It is surprising to me just how exhausted I am.  I am training for a fitness competition that will be held at the end of this summer.  I am certain that has contributed to my exhaustion but I have a feeling that I would feel this way even without the extra exercise.  Claire is growing at lightening speed.  She isn't really even a baby anymore.  I always wondered how my Mom made the decision that she was "done" having kids.  When I questioned her she said that she never even thought about it again.  I am beginning to understand.  There is no time to think about something like that.  I am so busy, so full, so overextended, even fulfilled.  I have been at a loss for words lately.  I think I am in a learning phase.  I don't have much to say because I'm still figuring it out, formulating my opinions, experiencing my experiences.  There are no conclusions.  What a journey I am on.  It not much about finding myself, it is about giving myself to the people that I love until there is almost nothing left to give.  The trick is in finding the happy returns and filling my cup with the small quiet affirmations that what I am doing is worth it.