Individuality in Marriage

You dream your whole life about the man that you will Marry. Tall, dark and handsome, green eyes, funny, smart, dedicated to the Lord, loyal, etc. etc. You can't wait to have that person that will always be there, that won't ever let you down. You will walk hand in hand, smiling through life, kissing and smelling the roses!

     I think the biggest misconception that I had was that after I was married I would never have to be alone again - ever! My better half would fulfill my every need, fill all voids and provide me with endless entertainment.
     I am happy to say that I LOVE my marriage. I can't say that I have never been lonely, or that my husband has fulfilled my every need. What I can say is that after nine and a half years, my marriage feels like an old pair of jeans, they fit just right most days but are occasionally a little snug when I eat a big meal or forget to hang them dry.

     For now, I think that the most important thing I have learned is this: to be an individual and allow my husband to be an individual as well.

     Those of you who know my husband can vouch that there are few people more "individual" than he is. I learned early on that if I was ever going to survive in my new life I was going to have to learn how to enjoy being by myself! Being an only child, he has always walked to the beat of his own drum. Whether I played a snare, bass, tom tom, bongos, or a GONG, he wasn't going to walk to the beat of mine.

     Over time, I have adopted the belief that marriage is a partnership between individuals that respect one another and allow one another to be who they are. It is okay to disagree in marriage. It is okay to not enjoy something that your spouse enjoys. Just because you are unified does not mean that you have to see the world through the same lens. If we respect one another's view points, we can have a more accurate picture of reality.
     I believe that with space, patience, and lots of unconditional love and support, we will see our spouse blossom into the best version of himself. As women we like to micromanage things. It is important to remind ourselves from time to time to get out of their way.

The following is a poem that my Brother showed to me when I was searching for poetry for my sisters Wedding Book. I really like the message that it holds.

Sing and dance together and be joyous

but let each one of you be alone,

even as the strings of a lute are alone so they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts but not into each other keeping.

For only the hand of life can contain your heart.

Stand together but not too near together:

 for the pillars of the temple stand apart,

and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each

others shadow.

–kahlil Gibran