Alone Time

It's 1:45 a.m. and I am up waiting for my images to upload to an album that I am making for Brittany's wedding. What am I doing up at this hour you ask? I'm enjoying the silence and I just haven't been able to part with it just yet. Silence and I have been strangers as of late. Now before you get too excited, thinking that I have been relishing in silence for the past four or five hours, think again. I just tucked Rachel back in bed after a bad dream (this happens at least four times a week) and I also just put Claire in her crib. I have really been thinking a lot lately about my role as a Mother. I have all of these high hopes that I will be gentle and kind and nurturing and other such adjectives that we often hear to describe Mothers. Instead I feel irritable, moody, grouchy, bossy, etc. I renew my goal each night to become more "Mothering" only to renew my goal again the next night feeling a little discouraged. The truth is, it just gets too loud around here and my nerves just get a little too sensitive. I want to be patient, I really do, but when it is 5:30 and I am preparing dinner to the sounds of children thudding through the kitchen and squealing at the top of their lungs, laughing hysterically (which is cute but also strangely annoying). I love that they are having a good time and enjoying “their chother” as Audrey would say, but I just can't remember if I put in one cup or two. That is when my blood starts to simmer and then turns into a slow boil. I want to tell the kids to "BE QUIET!" but what do I expect them to do? Sit and fold their arms on the couch - then I would really be worried! I read all of these lovely quotes about not caring about your house and playing with your children, enjoying their childhood, seeing things through their eyes. When you are knee deep in laundry (did I say knee deep? I meant head high) and there is clutter in every corner how do you turn a blind eye??!! I have good intentions. Tonight I was prepared to read stories and play with their hair, sing songs and lull them off to sleep. One whine after another whimper; "I have to go to the bathroom!" "I need a drink." “I’m hot.” “I don’t have any space.” and what happened to my good intentions I ask as I all but slam the door shut on my way out. These are my babies. I love them, each and every one. There is not enough me to go around. So, here I am, at 1:59, alone in my office, relishing in silence, preparing to be a Mother tomorrow