Blue Day

I am having a blue day.  I don't even know if I will be able to get down on paper what it is that I am really feeling.  James asked me yesterday if I felt that the girls were getting "adequate structure, instruction, discipline, etc in our home environment."  He even made the point to ask whether they were getting as much of those things as they would be getting at school. 

Tough question.

This question not only stirred my emotions but also stirred up a whirlwind of thoughts in my mind.  The truth is, no.  They are not getting the same kind of structure, instruction, discipline, or even consistency as they would be getting at school.  I think the bigger question is, is that a bad thing? 

     What is the measure of success?  Does structure and discipline equate learning?  Last year Rachel attended school daily, she followed the rules, she received instruction, and she was met with consistency in her routine.  Did she learn?

     I saw a quote yesterday that said, "Some people go on living their entire lives on the default setting not realizing that they can costumize."  I thought about this statement.  I think people are afraid to "customize."  I know that I am.  When I first started homeschooling I tried to stay as close to the public school pathway as I possibly could.  It only took me a month or so to figure out that it wasn't working.  I realized that I couldn't "public school" them at home.  The entire framework is different.  It is extremely difficult to try to replicate what they were getting at school.  I am afraid to fail them.  It is hard to trust my instincts.  It is difficult to feel qualified for this job. 

     There are a few things that I know for sure.  I know when they are really listening and when they are just going through the motions.  I know when they are doing their best work and when they are cutting corners.  I am not sure that their teachers could always tell the difference.  Not to criticize them, it would be impossible for them to know every child in their classroom that way.  If they had been thriving in school, I would have never considered bringing them home.  Now that I have, everything is unclear to me. 

    Am I doing enough?   How do people gain confidence in this choice?

 

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