Blue Day

I am having a blue day.  I don't even know if I will be able to get down on paper what it is that I am really feeling.  James asked me yesterday if I felt that the girls were getting "adequate structure, instruction, discipline, etc in our home environment."  He even made the point to ask whether they were getting as much of those things as they would be getting at school. 

Tough question.

This question not only stirred my emotions but also stirred up a whirlwind of thoughts in my mind.  The truth is, no.  They are not getting the same kind of structure, instruction, discipline, or even consistency as they would be getting at school.  I think the bigger question is, is that a bad thing? 

     What is the measure of success?  Does structure and discipline equate learning?  Last year Rachel attended school daily, she followed the rules, she received instruction, and she was met with consistency in her routine.  Did she learn?

     I saw a quote yesterday that said, "Some people go on living their entire lives on the default setting not realizing that they can costumize."  I thought about this statement.  I think people are afraid to "customize."  I know that I am.  When I first started homeschooling I tried to stay as close to the public school pathway as I possibly could.  It only took me a month or so to figure out that it wasn't working.  I realized that I couldn't "public school" them at home.  The entire framework is different.  It is extremely difficult to try to replicate what they were getting at school.  I am afraid to fail them.  It is hard to trust my instincts.  It is difficult to feel qualified for this job. 

     There are a few things that I know for sure.  I know when they are really listening and when they are just going through the motions.  I know when they are doing their best work and when they are cutting corners.  I am not sure that their teachers could always tell the difference.  Not to criticize them, it would be impossible for them to know every child in their classroom that way.  If they had been thriving in school, I would have never considered bringing them home.  Now that I have, everything is unclear to me. 

    Am I doing enough?   How do people gain confidence in this choice?

 

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Wholeness

I have been searching for one word that I can can use as my theme for the year.  I have seen others do this and I like the idea.  I like the idea of focusing on one recurring theme throughout the year.  When I read this quote I knew what my theme must be . . .



“I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that - I don’t mind people being happy - but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying “write down 3 things that made you happy today before you go to sleep”, and “cheer up” and “happiness is our birthright” and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position - it’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say “Quick! Move on! Cheer up!” I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word “happiness” and to replace it with the word “wholeness”. Ask yourself “is this contributing to my wholeness?” and if you’re having a bad day, it is.”
-Hugh Mackay


WHOLENESS

To me, achieving wholeness means to accept things and embrace them as they are, and then with faith and prayer look toward the future with hope.  Wholeness takes the body, mind, and spirit.  I am looking forward to pondering this concept in the year 2013!

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Ive Been Quiet

These last few months I have been learning.  I have found that it is in these "learning" times that I get quiet.  I have not had much to say.  I feel like I have been in the sea,  coming and going with the tide.  I am washed out to sea, tossed around in the waves for a time and then washed up onto the shore.  Once I get back to the shore it takes me a moment to understand what has happened. "How long have I been washing in the waves and have I made it to safety?  I cannot retell the story because I am not quite sure what the story is.  At times  I am not sure which direction to swim.  Do I swim with the current or against it?  Which direction should I go?  At times there is darkness and at others I see a lighthouse on a distant hill.  I feel scared, weak, unsure, helpless, unaware, and disbelieving.  I am still not sure of the details.  I still have not yet understood the journey.  All I know is that I'm learning, of what I am not clear.  I have hope in my future self.  She will come out victorious.  She will not give in to weakness.  She will learn.