Some Practical Advice

Your going to have to get up every morning and work harder than you've ever worked. But the work will be rewarding and even exciting if it's focused on teaching, loving and orchestrating small successes. Otherwise, your life is custodial and frustrating.
-asking Jane
Want more where that came from? I stumbled upon this blog today. (I took the quote from her)
http://askingjane.blogspot.com/2010/01/feeling-overwhelmed.html

Fasten your seatbelts . . .

. . . it's gonna be a bumpy ride! My kids have decided to grow up!! You are not going to believe the conversation I had with my almost eight year old tonight. It went a little something like this . . .

Audrey:

"How come I can't have a cell phone?! ALL of my friends have a cell phone!" (Oh the injustice!)

Mom: (Me)

"Audrey, I am sure that ALL of your friends do not have a cell phone."

Audrey:

"I feel left out! I hardly have any electronics." (Did she just say electronics?)

"My friends can get whatever they want and you don't let me do anything. I feel like a baby!"

Mom:

"Well you are just going to have to get used to it!" "There are going to be many times in your life that other people are going to have things that you don't have. You have SO MUCH MORE that most children do. You need to be grateful for what you have."

Rewind to a couple of days ago . . .

Slam door and cue stomping and huffing.

Audrey:

"I feel embarrassed in front of my friends! My friend said, "You can't ride bikes out of the cul-de-sac!!?? I can go anywhere I want to." I feel like you treat me like a baby! Why can't I go outside the cul-de-sac!

Mom:

"I can't see you when you go outside the cul-de-sac and I don't want you to get hurt."

Audrey:

"I'm not going to get hurt!"

Mom:

"What if someone took you?"

Audrey:

"People in this neighborhood are nice, no one is going to take me!"

Mom: (What do I do here???)

"I'll tell you what, I will let you go around the corner to the stop sign and then you have to turn back around."

Audrey:

Out the door, new found freedom to be abused!

Split screen to Rachel . . .

Already outside doing everything that Audrey has at least bothered to talk to me about. Blissfully doing whatever she wants and not even taking a moment to consider whether or not it is allowed.

Cue Adam

"I want to play in the sprinkler!" (In broken English)

Mom: "Go ask your sisters to play with you."

Beep Beep Beep (door alarms)

Mom: (I'm sure he will come in when he realizes he can't turn it on by himself)

Five minutes later . . .

No Adam!!! All over the house, in the car and everywhere outside - NO ADAM!

Mom: (Panic!) He has never done this before.

10 minutes later . . .

Scan to nice lady walking hand in hand toward the cul-de-sac with half naked three year old boy.

Mom: Embarrassed, excuses, hugs, Thank you's!

Do I have a target on my forehead?? HELP!!!!!

Identity Crisis

Last night I dreamt that I left my family and went back to college. It was such a liberating feeling. I remember that in my dream I took a long shower and spent a great deal of time primping. I attended a seminar/devotional and walked around all by myself. The strangest part about my dream is that my family was just "allowing" me this little break. My husband was taking care of everything in my absence.
Some days I really do want to go back to college, or even high school. I could be so selfish and no one really blamed me. Everything I did was for me. I did the things that I loved to do and I felt NO guilt whatsoever. I was thin (although I didn't know it). I could eat all kinds of junk food without paying for it at all! I actually had fun doing exercise and it was built into my daily schedule so I never even had to think about it. (I was on the dance team). My love life was exciting, my boyfriend was Romantic and I had fun things to do on the weekends!
These days I have to wait until after 8:30 p.m. to be selfish. Even then, there is guilt because there are always things that I "should" do. Not to mention, if I don't get to bed early enough then I will not have the energy to wake up early to exercise. Exercise is less than fun and something I have to do to try to lose weight. I'm exhausted ALL THE TIME even though I am almost certain that I get more sleep than I did in High School. I feel completely out of shape in every way.
Although there are many things that I would never want to go back and relive, I am sure that there are things about the here and now that I will look back on someday and not want to do over. I just hope that I am skinny, have energy, and have regained some of myself by then. Here is to hoping . . .

Arm Chair Parenting

My husband coined the phrase "arm chair parenting" today and I thought it was too good not to share. This is the kind of parenting you do with the least amount of effort from the comfort of your "arm chair." I was lying in bed today trying to take a nap and the kids would come in every few minutes with needs or complaints. I made them leave and shut my door and then I resorted to yelling things from the other room like, "say your sorry." "give him back his game." etc. I then complained about the fact that I was having to "deal with the kids" instead of take a nap like I wanted to. That is when he said, "all you were doing is arm chair parenting." We had a good laugh.

Giving up . . .

So . . . I have given up on flylady! I'm sure she is a wonderful person with some great ideas but I just don't have time to shine my sink people!!

She fed my super Mom complex and made me feel like I really could do it all! Not true. Maybe you can do it all but I cannot!

I've adopted a new way of doing things. It's called, "Do what you can and forget the rest." Brilliant, I know.

The trick with this new school of thought is letting go of guilt. You CANNOT have guilt for what you have not accomplished or it DOES NOT work!

My days have definitely been lighter.

Yesterday I finished a lot of laundry and did a whole lot of other things that I don't remember at the moment. Today, I vacuumed my stairs! I emptied my Trashcans! I swiffered my floors! I mopped my bathroom! . . . and of course all of the other mundane things that I usually do. I even managed to squeeze in a shopping trip just for fun! My trick? I felt like it.

Dangerous? Maybe. I have a lot of days that I don't feel like it.

My Dad shared a story with me that has turned out to have a lot of relevance.

"When he was young he had to weed the side of his house that was not sodded. This was a vast see of weeds that went on as far as the eye could see. (At least to his young eyes it seemed). Because he is a creative person, this chore was just too much! What a boring job, bend and pull, bend and pull. So, what did he do? He took out his trusty Hoe and divided the great rectangle that was his parents side-yard into a giant pie. He worked one sliver at a time until the whole pie was rid of it's green leafy topping. Some days, he would divide it into little squares, a patch work of ragweed and dandelions. After he was all finished, he would rake it into diagonal lines or throw in a couple of swirls just for kicks.

What is the relevance of this you ask?

Housework is my side-yard, and chores are my weeds. I can't pull the weeds the same way each time or my creative brain will suffer from stimuli starvation. Although I haven't figured out how to divide my house into a pie shape quite yet, I have given up on the bend and pull approach.

Here's to creative monotony!!!

Today

In an attempt to overcome my great struggle with anxiety, I am going to try to focus more on "today" and worry less about everything else.

Today I am working my way through this . . .


Today I am grateful for good friends that always know what to say even when it's not what you want to hear.

Today I am avoiding this . . .



Today I am proud of myself for finally finding my way to the gym for body pump at 6:00 a.m.

Today I am looking forward to finding balance in my life and getting comfortable with my responsibilities.

Simplify

I recently read this post http://71toes.blogspot.com/2010/01/my-2010-word.html about focus. It is very true that if we focus on what is right in front of our face we will lose sight of the object that is in the distance.

I also read this post from Cjane http://blog.cjanerun.com/2009/09/first-babies.html about how there is a time and a season for all things.

After setting myself up for COMPLETE failure with my new years resolutions I was completely overwhelmed with ANXIETY. (something I really STRUGGLE with from time to time)

After a minor breakdown this morning and an emergency phone call to the most patient man I have ever known; the only man I know, in fact, who can actually listen to a fully emotionally charged female rant and make sense of it, (my Father) I am feeling better.

This is what I have decided to do - Erase ALL of my goals but one!! It was liberating. I went to the computer spreadsheet that was set up to calculate percentages of my successes and failures and I hit DELETE. (Sorry Honey . . . I guess I am not ready).

I then made this:

Simplify

Personal Spirituality

Quality Time with Kids

I'm going to hang it on my fridge.

Does this mean that I am not going to try to lose 15 lbs, maintain and ultra organized house, or stop eating sweets, etc. etc.?

No.

That is just not going to be my focus.

Have any of you ever seen this object lesson?

There is not yet sand in this jar but there is room enough to fill this jar with sand. If you put the sand in first, the rocks will not fit.

I have LOTS of sand!

But the ROCKS are the most important.

Deep sigh . . .

Thanks Dad.

Why do I eat sweets?

Why do I eat sweets?

I know they're bad for me.

They make me feel fat and grumpy.

They make my pants tight, which also makes me feel fat and grumpy.

Sometimes, they even gives me a headache.

What is it about sweets?

As I pressed my fork down through the smooth texture of my famous pumpkin cheesecake, I thought about not eating sweets.

I raised my fork to my mouth . . . the velvety texture on my tongue . . . simply divine.

Comfort food. Pure comfort.

It is doing something that you know you shouldn't do.

It is a privilege.

Something out of the ordinary in the midst of ordinary life.

It speaks of family and friends and laughter, it smells and tastes of love and happiness.

It's a cup of hot chocolate on a cold winter night, a pan of fresh, warm Cinnamon rolls on a Sunday, a bowl of ice cream on a summer's day, strawberry short cake of the fourth of July, apple pie when the leaves start to turn, chocolate cake on your birthday,and on this day, pumpkin cheesecake to bring in the New Year.

I fear it's in my blood . . .

and on my thighs!

Confession . . .

I ditched church in the middle of Sunday school. Just grabbed the baby and ran for the door. Now it's just me at home + baby's sleeping = heaven! Sunday mornings are hard! I love church but I have the hardest time with the "getting to" part. I am always late. It doesn't even matter what time I get up, I'm late. Some days I get upset about it and others I shrug it off. Today I am feeling a little overwhelmed. How can one person do all of this? I now have a family of six and I am the Mommy! I am the one that is supposed to hold all of this mess together! My hat is off to you women of all ages who have managed to figure out a way. I guess that is where I am at, figuring out a way. We've got the love part down. There is a lot of love to go around. It is all of the managing. Managing emotions, clothing, meals, paperwork, groceries, events, homework, and extra curriculars. I'm off to try to "organize" myself on paper . . . wish me luck!

Weekly Chores

Monday:
-Empty Trash (Every trash can in the house!)
-Wash and change Sheets
(half of the beds each week)
-Clean Mirrors
(mirrors on landing, in piano room, dressers, bathrooms, French doors, and front door)
-Swiffer Floors Swiffer around the kitchen table and snack bar
(all hard surfaces including bathrooms)
-Get caught up with Laundry Run two or three loads and then give up
(Folded and put away in drawers)
-Throw out old magazines and mail Look at the stack in the corner and let out a deep sigh
(Any paper clutter that we don’t need)
-Clean out refrigerator How long has this been in here? Didn't we have this last week. (Green mold and fuzz means longer than a week)
(Throw out old food and wipe down)

Tuesday:
Empty Trash
Change Sheets
Clean Mirrors
Swiffer Floors
Vacuum Stairs and Upstairs
-Plan Menu Waste time looking up new recipes and flipping through cook books and then decide to make the old standards because you don't have the energy to make a grocery list of all of the new items you will need.
-Grocery Shop I'll wait until my husband gets home.
-Mop Floors Spot treat spaghetti stains . . . Why do I even put this on here??
(on the main floor and the bathrooms)
-Water Plants Have I ever done this??

Wednesday:
Empty Trash
Change Sheets
Clean Mirrors
Swiffer Floors
Vacuum Stairs and Upstairs
-file papers In the trash can
(bills, kids art, etc.)
-Run errands
(make returns)
-Outings with Kids
-Arrange a babysitter for Friday. Wish we could go out this weekend!

Thursday:
Empty Trash
Change Sheets
Clean Mirrors
Swiffer Floors
Vacuum Stairs and Upstairs
-Zone Cleaning
(focus on a specific area)
-Clean Bathrooms Clear the area, wipe down with a clorox wipe and call it good
(Toilets, tubs and sinks)
-Wash bathroom and kitchen rugs They're still in the laundry room from last week.



Friday:
Give up on Monday's Chores and decide to do them next Monday.
-Clean out purse Say What?
-Dust Say What?
-clean laundry room I can barely open the door!
(wipe down washer and dryer, clean out shoe basket, take items that are hanging to their appropriate destinations)
-Go on a date! Watch reruns of Sienfeld and go to bed.

Saturday:
- Clean out and wash the car. Have you seen my car?
(includes vacuuming, washing windows and wiping out interior)
- Play with Family!
- Saturday Chores Scatter toys all over the house!
(preparing for the Sabbath: straightening up, setting out clothing for church, empty dishwasher)
- Prepare for Sunday Dinner Finally go to the grocery store!
(plan what we are having and take things out of the freezer, make certain dishes in advance)

Sunday:
-Write in Journal Try to take a nap!
-Play games and spend family time.



Does anyone know a good housekeeper?

Energy

Energy is a curious thing. It seems like I am always trying to figure out how to have more energy. My latest unexpected discovery is this; I am way off when it comes to what I think will give me more energy.
Normally, I figure that I need to give myself more "down time" so that I can recharge my battery, then, I will have more energy. Down time usually consists of, TV time, couch time, Computer time, etc. Recently, I have discovered that going for a walk with the kids or kicking the ball around gives me more energy than couch time. My best excuse for not doing those things has always been, "I just don't have the energy, I am too tired." I never realized that running around and playing with the kids would actually give me more energy than it required. Who knew?
The other thing that I typically think after a long and somewhat sleepless night is that I should sleep in. "Sleeping in" for a Mom is merely just lying in bed for an extra thirty minutes to an hour and then rushing around trying to get everything done that you need to get done before you get your kids out the door. Make breakfast, pack lunches, argue about which outfits they can wear and how white tennis shoes don't look good with church dresses, brush teeth, do hair, lecture about the crying and complaining while doing hair, finding matching socks, finding shoes, tying shoes, filling water bottle and backpacks and coaxing children out the door only to miss the bus and end up driving them to the school.

At least that is how it usually goes for me.

So . . . I have decided that sleeping in is overrated. Do you know what is really worth it. Getting up! It gives me so much more energy than sleeping in. Who knew?

Again, who knew?

The problem with my discoveries is that I usually end up rediscovering them many times over. How to make it stick?? That is the real problem.

Venting or complaining - take your pick

I am grumpy. I am not entirely sure why. It is kind of ironic since my last post talked about how happiness is a choice. So, I guess, I choose to be grumpy today. I think I am tired which always seems to make it worse. I also had a TON of sugar last night at Enrichment which probably has something to do with it. (The crash after the sugar high) I feel like there are a thousand things that I am trying to do that are essential. I need to be organized, not just so that my house will sparkle but just so that we can find the things we need in every day life. I need to read to my kids more. Audrey is falling behind her class and Rachel does not know all of her letter sounds and some of the kids in her class are already reading! I feel overwhelmed and guilty that I have not done better for my girls. How are they ever going to succeed if I can't get my act together and make sure that they are where they need to be in school. I just feel like EVERYTHING takes so much time and EVERYTHING is important. I feel guilty that they have been eating complete junk for dinner that last few nights as I have planned Enrichment Meeting. They need healthy food so that they can have healthy bodies. I totally believe that! I also see other Mom's that have their children "dressed to the nines" and my kids clothes are getting faded and thread bare. They are so darn cute and I feel that they deserve better. On the other hand, I think it is good for them not to have everything and to learn what is really important and what is not.
I am also feeling like a boring Mom. Rachel said to me the other day, "Mom! I have been seeing lots of Halloween decorations at other people's houses! We need to put our decorations up!" What decorations? That is just not something I have spent any money on. I don't want my kids to miss out on Holidays because I was too cheap to pick up a couple of ghosts and scarecrows at the dollar store.
Then for my greatest concern . . . health. I am so afraid of Rachel getting sick again. She has been complaining about her stomach hurting and then this morning she said that her foot was hurting. It could be a stomach bug and her shoe could have rubbed her wrong yesterday and made it sensitive (she is missing a lot of cushion around that area). I just hate that my gut always wants to think the worst. I am also frustrated that with all of the habits that I want to have as part of my character are fleeting at best. AARG! Anyway, I will keep on trying! Until next time . . .

A Creative House is a Messy House

I may be wrong about this one. So far, it is VERY true for me. I haven't figured out a way to get everything done on my list and everything clean in the house and then sit down and "be" creative. Every time I am "creative" the house goes to pot! I have been working on Invitations for Enrichment Night at church, throwing the kids an impromptu party for the long weekend, and writing this blog. Oddly enough, (as my Dad always says) the laundry is scattered, the dishes are piled high, and there is "stuff" everywhere! Oh well. We could be clean and BORING!

"Happiness is a State of Mind"

I have heard this idea and concept before. It sounded nice. However, it wasn't true for me. Happiness was the result of things going well in my life. I was happy when I was getting along with my husband, when I was at my "perfect" weight, when I had cute clothes to wear, when I liked my haircut, when I had good friends, when I had something "fun" to do, when my house was clean, and when my kids were well behaved. (To name a few) Surprisingly, I wasn't "happy" very often. In my ignorance, I believed that outside influences had something to do with the whole thing! What a giant misconception!
My husband used to tell me, "nobody can 'make' you happy" or "nobody can 'make' you mad!" (This argument usually used in his own defense) "Phewey!" I used to think. You are making me mad right now!! How truly wrong I was.
As life has happened to me over the last few years, I have discovered that the old adage has some clout! You mean I have some control over this? Fascinating! As it turns out, happiness is a choice that I get to make every day. I have found that the strongest tool to have in my toolbox is gratitude. When I become grateful for my life, I am free to be happy.
The next enlightening realization for me was that I had to stop "expecting" my life to turn out a certain way. A wise friend of mine always says, "all frustration stems from unmet expectations." I should expect to have trials, and expect for things not to go as planned. That is life. Now that I know that, I can choose to BE happy because I AM a happy person, not because my life is exactly what I want it to be.
I am going to choose to be happy. I hope you will too!


*I have been interrupted four times since writing this and Rachel and Adam have been given chocolate milk and goldfish crackers for breakfast to keep them quiet.

Becoming Mom

I have decided to change the whole focus and idea of this blog. Originally, the idea was that I would start this blog with all of my "Mom" friends and we could all contribute ideas and experiences. Since that concept has not evolved, I have changed course. I told James the other day that I had decided to keep writing this blog for the sake of my own children. Someday, I would like to give them a book of this blog's contents. I would love to know of the processes that my own Mother went through as she "became Mom." I always picture her as she is now, with all of her wonderful characteristics and habits in tact. Someday I would like my children to look at me that way. However, I would like for them to read about the times when I fell short! I want them to know how difficult it was for me to develop the habits and character traits that I hope to possess in the distant future. I hope that they can learn from my mistakes and hopefully from some of the things I do right as well: a guide book to Motherhood if you will. So, if you continue to read, this is about to get a little more personal. I am comfortable with that.