Becoming

The Chosen Mothers

2012-02-02T16:48:00.001-08:00

A friend of mine shared this with me a long time ago and I really liked it. I wanted to share it here.

The Chosen Mothers

Most women become a mother by accident, some by choice

and a few by habit. Did you ever wonder how mother’s of children with life threatening illnesses are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over earth

selecting His instruments for propagation with great care and

deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels

to make notes in a giant ledger…….

“Foppiano, Christine, son, patron saint Christopher”

Forrest, Marjorie, daughter, patron saint Cecilia”.”

Finally, He passes a name to an angel and says, “Give

her a child with cancer.” The angel is curious. “Why this

one, God? She’s so happy.”

“Exactly,” smiles God, “Could I give a child with cancer

a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel.”

“But, does she have patience?” asks the angel,

“I don’t want her to have too much patience or she will

drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and

resentment wears off, she will handle it.”

“I watched her today,” said God. “She has that feeling

of self-independence that is so rare and necessary in a mother.

You see, the child I’m going to give her has it’s own world.

She has to make it live in her world and that’s not going to be easy.”

“But Lord, I don’t think she believes in you,” said the angel.

“No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just

enough selfishness.”

The angel gasps, “Selfishness? Is that a virtue?”

God nods. “If she can’t separate herself from the child

occasionally, she’ll never survive. Yes, here is the woman I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn’t realize it yet,

but she is to be envied. She will never take anything her child does for granted. She will never consider a single step

ordinary. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see….ignorance, cruelty, prejudice….and allow her to rise above them.”

“And what about her patron saint” asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.

God smiles and says…”A mirror will suffice.”

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Utter Chaos

2012-01-18T08:21:00.000-08:00

"Utter Chaos," she said as I apologized for the state of the morning. We loaded up the couch into the back of her friend's pick up truck and she was on her way. I breathed a sigh of relief as I ran back into the house and out of the cold.

I had spent the morning making small talk with a young single girl who had come to pick up my sister's couch that has taken up residence in my tiny garage for the last couple of months. Small talk was no small thing on this particular Saturday morning as I cleaned up the dishes from the night before; hand washing pans and cookie sheets and scraping ketchup off of plates and counter tops that the babysitter had left for me to clean. I shifted from one task to another while trying to maintain a cheerful conversation with the sweet stranger in my home. I tried to make it seem effortless while I managed the cleanup and the constant parade of demands from my children. There was crying, fighting, medicine, chocolate milk, cereal, candy, diaper changes, puppy poop, puppy prison break from the backyard, falling off of chairs and exercise balls . . . and the parade continued. All the while, she was receiving phone calls and texts from her friend, the owner of the pick up truck who had found herself with a flat tire a few short miles from the house.

Lemony Snicket's, "A Series of Unfortunate Events" comes to mind. The morning had played out like a scene from an old movie, streaming in slow motion. By the time the mended flat tire rolled its way into the driveway it had been about an hour and a half. "Utter Chaos" pretty much summed it up. It pricked a little as it rolled so casually off of her tongue. The comment was innocent enough but it somehow wrapped up my whole life so helplessly in two harmless little words.

After the truck drove out of sight with a 15 year old, slip covered, couch hanging off the tailgate, I took inventory of the rest of my day. Brittany had my van and I had four little inmates to entertain. I must admit that my two year old scared me more than the piles of laundry I had stashed in my master closet.

I had come home the night before feeling deflated. I had an unfortunate encounter with an overachieving Mother of four who graduated law school, taught at the University of Texas, home schools her children, maintains a clean home, runs marathons, and is skinny and beautiful to boot!!! The final straw landed on the proverbial hay stack when I discovered that she is MY. SAME. AGE. How do some people accomplish so much more in the same amount of time?
Fortunately for me, I came home to find my little sister, eight years my junior, with the wisdom of a woman four times her age. Among other things she said something so simple and yet so profound., she said, " Mom didn't graduate law school and she was and is the best Mom in the world!" This statement made me think about my Mother and all that she is and realize that it really doesn't matter that she didn't do those kinds of things. She is everything and more that we needed her to be. If I can become half of the woman that she is then I will feel accomplished indeed. Then Brittany read me this quote,

“Because of the conflicts and challenges we face in today’s world, I wish to suggest a single choice—a choice of peace and protection and a choice that is appropriate for all. That choice is faith. Be aware that faith is not a free gift given without thought, desire, or effort. It does not come as the dew falls from heaven. The Savior said, “Come unto me” (Matthew 11:28) and “Knock, and it shall be [given] you” (Matthew 7:7). These are action verbs—come, knock. They are choices. So I say, choose faith. Choose faith over doubt, choose faith over fear, choose faith over the unknown and the unseen, and choose faith over pessimism. "Elder Richard C. Edgley

Pessimism and I have been doing a little dance lately and unfortunately, I have been letting him lead. He is a good teacher, he talks you right through one step to the next, leading you across the floor until you are dancing effortlessly all over the sullen ballroom.

I have felt the suffocating effects of longing for things that are unattainable for me at this season of my life. I am confused by the dichotomy of desires within my heart to learn and grow and change as an individual and to serve my family selflessly.

I am constantly berated with the messages of today so I found it somewhat refreshing when I recently stumbled upon a passage from a book filled with the messages of yesterday.

It read, "What about giving the heart? Isn't giving your heart equally as important as giving your mind? Those women who are experts in giving love, kindness and patience to their families are giving as much, yes, more, than their I.Q. Isn't the product of the heart equal to the product of the mind? Doesn't it do as much or more for the betterment of society. The ladies who donate their I.Q. to society may render a service, no doubt, not if in so doing they rob the home of its mind and heart, what then can compensate for this loss? And those ladies who feel that they have a gigantic brain must realize that unless they match it with a gigantic heart, they are only half a woman, and it would be far more important for them to stay home and educate the heart than to leave the home and go into the world to share their intellect there. Their contributions of the heart will do more for the well being of society than their contributions of the mind." (from the highly controversial Book "Fascinating Womanhood" written in 1963 by: Helen B. Andelin)
So I guess this is what I am doing. I'm giving and educating my heart here at home. Somewhere in this "Utter Chaos" I am giving my heart and I am teaching my heart about love and patience and tenderness and kindness. Some days I would rather lead with my mind or let pessimism lead with his expertise in undermining goodness and happiness. The heart seems the better choice and in time, its grandparent Charity may lead and the ballroom will no longer be sullen but filled with brightness and promise of a whimsical night filled with music and dancing and laughter and hope.

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Dear 2012

2012-01-03T10:03:00.001-08:00

Do you think you could give me a few more days to get my act together?? Thanks!

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Mother - Illusionist

2011-11-05T14:45:00.000-07:00

I just finished posting these photos from Adam's Birthday party onto my family blog. He had a family party on Sunday afternoon and a friend party Monday morning. Everything was perfect and all events came together to create an unforgettable fifth Birthday Celebration . . . or so they thought!

Last week was a doosie. I started out the weekend prior with my little sister and her husband moving in with us. This was a last minute happenstance and required the removal of all the contents of Audrey's bedroom and closet. The inards were spewed out into the middle of the adjoining hallway and gameroom. There were things in that closet that I have been ignoring since last spring! There they were, staring at me, mercilessly requiring my attention. I practiced a lot of selected neglect for the days that followed.

   I had planned to hire a babysitter Saturday so that I could run around and prepare everything for Adam's birthday. Since James was going to be out of town until that evening I decided to trade in my sitter for the nighttime so that we could go out on a date. We made it a double date so that we could invite our new roomies. This left me with no party plans at 7:00 p.m. Saturday night.

     We enjoyed a nice dinner and then decided to squeeze Walmart in between dinner and a movie.  Walmart cannot be squeezed into anything! Two and a half hours later, we had missed our movie and we were still at Walmart - ALL FOUR OF US! I had sent the boys to find out that aparently everyone with half the brain to use a helium machine had gone home for the night and they would not fill my balloons. This was really my only source of decor and the only real surprise I had up my sleeve. I was going to sneak the balloons into his room so that he would wake up to see them that morning. This was unacceptable. Watch out boys, let me show you how to get things done! A half hour later and we were walking out with a dozen balloons floating proudly with helium.

     We arrived home at almost midnight and I felt terrible having ruined our date. The next morning, I awoke to Adam's little face peering over the mattress wearing the very expression of disappointment. "Mom, you have to have ALL of the decorations." Now, before you judge Adam for being a spoiled brat, he has seen streamers and paper flowers, twinkling lights, and Birthday banners for his sisters. Balloons in the bedroom was not a proper replacement. Note to self: boys do care about Birthday decorations. After reassuring him that we would have a Birthday party after church he replied, "We can't go to church on Birthdays!!"

Onto my next trick, waffles for breakfast. This went over just fine but kept me in the kitchen much longer than anticipated and any hopes of baking a cake before church were washed down the drain with the leftover syrup.

   We didn't get home from church until after 4:30. I had planned to make Lasagna for Adam because it is one of his favorite meals. In retrospect, I should have planned to make frozen pizza! The kids would have been just as happy. The Lasagna did not come out of the oven until 7:00 p.m. Exhausted and still wrapping gifts, I was kicking myself for not making things easier on myself. We ended up having a great dinner and a fun family party. After the kids were in bed, I was up cleaning and clearing into the late hours of the night. Instead of frosting my cupcakes for Adam's friend party the next morning, I went to bed.

     The next morning, I woke up after I had planned. No one cooperated. I did not arrive early to the party. I did not frost my cupcakes. I will spare most of the details but must add that my morning involved unsticking the tabs of my daughters diaper while she was standing and having poo "roll" onto my rug! All of this while she was screaming and crying about not wanting a particular pair of shoes! Adam had stayed up late for his Birthday and was grumpy as could be. He didn't even want to have another party. Note to self: Do not let your child stay up late the night before his party.

   I arrived at my friends house with my unfrosted cupcakes. Luckily for me, she greeted me with wet hair and was blowing up the contents of one of the games that we were meant to play. She had the items for her gift bags spread out on the counter. We took one look at each other and just laughed! "It is a good thing that we had the kids dropped off," I said. "That way, we do not have any of the other Mom's here to criticise us!" The truth is, the kids didn't care. They played for the first thirty minutes while we got our act together. The party was a success and everyone was happy.

All is well that ends well . . . right?!

While I would really prefer to have everything come off without a hitch, I think it is important to reveal the truth. These kinds of things take real effort. Something always gets in the way. Things don't ever go as planned. The important thing is that it happened at all. That is all the kids will remember.

Managing Toys

2011-09-17T10:43:00.000-07:00

After several years of trial and error, I have finally found a system for toys that works for me. It is unrealistic for our family to clean up and sort all of the toys every day. We have to be able to do a quick pick up and be out the door or off to bed. We keep all of our toys upstairs but inevitably there are a few (or a lot) that get brought downstairs every day. For this reason, I purchased these mesh hampers. You can find them at Ross for as little as 5 dollars. I keep one in my closet under my stairs and another one upstairs in Adam's closet. I could put one in each one of my kid's closet but I think they would get REALLY full before we would get around to emptying them out.

At the end of the day, as I straighten up my downstairs, I pull out the mesh hamper and put all of the toys that have been left downstairs inside. I do the same thing upstairs. I try to have the kids put their toys away in the right places at the end of the day but for those crazy nights the toys get thrown into the hamper.

Ideally, each Saturday we would spend time as a family sorting out the toys and putting them in the right places. This can be tricky because the toys are all mixed together and they belong in three different rooms. You could waste a lot of time walking back and forth between rooms.

I take the hamper and dump it out in each room. Anything that doesn't belong in that room gets thrown back into the hamper and then what is left on the floor is sorted and put away. I then carry the hamper into the next room and we repeat the process.

I have tried many different storage or organizational systems for storing toys and these are my favorite. For the two little ones, the bins are open and it is easy for the kids to see what goes where. Audrey and Rachel have outgrown this system and now have baskets on the shelf full of their barbies and littlest petshops etc. I also use the stack able sterilite or rubbermaid bins for things like legos and blocks. They even have big ones for dress ups or stuffed animals. They are stackable but are sold separately so that you can buy as many as you need. The middle part slides out easily so that the kids can remove the bin while they play and then return it easily to it's place.

Figuring out how to manage the toys in my home has really helped me to keep my house clean and avoid stress! I remember a friend of mine once saying to me while my kids were really little, "It is important to have clearly defined 'adult space' and 'kid space'." I whole heartedly agree with this.

What works for you?

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Where is Super Nanny when I need her?

2011-09-15T16:33:00.000-07:00

You know those women that walk around the grocery store like robots, dutifully pushing the grocery cart with their eyes straight forward while their bratty children scream and fight with one another? Well, that's me, nice to meet you!

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The Albatross Around My Neck

2011-09-14T08:05:00.000-07:00

Creepy isn't he . . .

"Laundry is the Albatross around my neck!" I said yesterday to James. He looked at me as if I were crazy! "Where in the world does that saying come from?" he asked. We often wonder that about common phrases that we use regularly. I looked this one up and this is what I discovered.

From Wikepedia:

The word 'albatross' is sometimes used metaphorically to mean a psychological burden that feels like a curse. It is an allusion to Samuel Taylor Coleridge's poem The Rime of the Ancient Mariner (1798).

In the poem, an albatross starts to follow a ship — being followed by an albatross was generally considered an omen of good luck. However, the titular mariner shoots the albatross with a crossbow, which is regarded as an act that will curse the ship (which indeed suffers terrible mishaps). To punish him, his companions induce him to wear the dead albatross around his neck indefinitely (until they all die from the curse, as it happens). Thus the albatross can be both an omen of good or bad luck, as well as a metaphor for a burden to be carried (as penance).

The symbolism used in the Coleridge poem is its highlight. For example:

Ah ! well a-day ! what evil looks

Had I from old and young !

Instead of the cross, the Albatross

About my neck was hung.

It may seem silly but it is true. Laundry very well feels like my burden to be carried. I find it interesting that in this poem, the man shoots the albatross in the first place and brings this burden upon himself. I can relate as I do the same when I neglect the laundry day after day until it all but swallows me whole. I don't know why but it drags me down and keeps me from doing a lot of the other things that I need to do.

This week, I have conquered the laundry. I got it all washed, folded, and PUT AWAY last Thursday out of sheer will to get it out of my life! I have been doing two small loads every day since and have been keeping it at bay. This enabled me to pick up on a whim and go to the ranch on Friday and Saturday. It has cleared away the cobwebs and I am able to see some of the other things that I need to get done more clearly.

Here is to staying on top of it!

May the curse pass from me this day forward!!

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A Feather in Her Hair

2011-09-12T18:24:00.000-07:00

Audrey wants a feather in her hair.

"Everything that's cool is inappropriate," she said through her tears. There I was, in the middle of my bathroom floor, frozen. "Everyone else has one . . . all of my friends." "What is the big deal?" "I don't understand why you won't let me?" "I feel like what I feel doesn't even matter to you." "What about what I want?" I was beginning to feel dizzy. I couldn't just let this one slide, or bribe her with a treat, or distract her with something she might like just as much. This one was real and she wasn't backing down. She wasn't being disrespectful, but she was unrelenting. The questions just kept streaming in and I didn't know the answers. "There are lots of cute tops and they are too bare, or cute shorts but they are too short." "I just feel like you want me to look like you want me to look." And there it was. Right from her lips to the bottom of my sunken heart. Deep breath, and here we go.
The truth is, baby girl, you and I are not always going to see eye to eye. I am going to tell you things that you don't want to hear. You are going to get frustrated and even angry. You are going to think that I am trying to ruin your life. I am not always going to know what to say, and I am not going to cave in just because you cry, even though it kills me to see you hurting, even if it is a silly little thing. I know for you it's not silly. I am going to try to teach you what I believe is right, and then you are going to grow up and make your own choices. I will have done my part. I cannot always promise that I will be right, but I can promise that I will do my best. And hopefully one day, your character will be the feather in your hair. I love you.

For the record, I did not say that the feather was inappropriate. I merely felt that it is a trend and I don't like the way it looks.

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Cici on Steroids

2011-09-06T14:18:00.000-07:00

Cici has roid rage.

It has been a rough couple of days.

I have been in a bit of a quandary. You see, I sit down and look at my life and ask myself, "what do I need to do differently to make my life run more smoothly?" I come up with all kinds of answers and all kinds of ideas about how to "fix" my life. I get all excited about the changes I am going to make and feel like "this time" I am finally going to do it. I am going to "get it all together." Then BAM, Claire gets bronchitis with a side of an asthma flair up, soar throat soup, and an ear infection for dessert. (or something like that).

What follows is ugly, I'm afraid to admit. I get all kinds of m.a.d. I just start to feel as though the cards are stacked against me. There is always some flaw in my plan that I didn't see, some variable that I did not account for. Then I feel defeated.

This is usually when I throw out the plan. I live my life day by day and do whatever it is that I do. This is a very reactive approach to life. It often leads me right back to where I started.

You can see the conundrum.

My focus word for this year is "intentional." It is the opposite of reactive.

I am still trying to figure out how to have a plan while not getting to bent out of shape when I can't stick to the plan. I'll let you know how it goes . . .

. . . in the meantime, my two year old is on steroids - wish me luck!

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2011-04-21T21:01:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those days when everything goes wrong. I have been two steps behind since the moment that my feet hit the floor this morning. Best advice I could give anyone who is attempting this whole Mother gig, "Just roll with it!"

AND SMILE!

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2011-04-17T16:18:00.000-07:00

’Twas a sheep not a lamb

That strayed away in the parable Jesus told,

A grown-up sheep that strayed away

From the ninety and nine in the fold.

And why for the sheep should we seek

And earnestly hope and pray?

Because there is danger when sheep go wrong:

They lead the lambs astray.

Lambs will follow the sheep, you know,

Wherever the sheep may stray.

When sheep go wrong,

It won’t take long till the lambs are as wrong as they.

And so with the sheep we earnestly plead

For the sake of the lambs today,

For when the sheep are lost

What a terrible cost

The lambs will have to pay. 6

C. C. Miller, “The Echo,” in Best-Loved Poems of the LDS People, ed. Jack M. Lyon and others (1996), 312–13.

Happy Moments

2011-04-10T20:19:00.000-07:00

     Today was one of those days that you soak in like the sunlight on a warm day in early Spring. We spent the afternoon putting together a porch swing for our front yard. The weather was perfect and there was a cool breeze that excused the increase in humidity. The kids were laughing together and being silly as our seven pound teddy bear of a dog sat like a guard dog, threatening all of the people who passed by. Even in my irritation at his barking I couldn't help but think it was cute how loyal and protective he is toward our little family. Rachel sat on our bench stroking his fur, her long brown hair blowing in the wind.
     Adam swelled with masculine pride as he helped his Daddy with the "building." He read the directions and studied the diagram and bent to gather tools and screws. He scrunched up his nose and pursed his lips as he concentrated on the great task at hand. His big blue eyes sparkled in the daylight. Claire busied herself with whatever two-year-old chore she could sink her fingers into. She giggled and trotted around the yard in her brand new white sandals. The girls pranced around the circle at the end of our cul-de-sac donned in fancy skirts made of bubble wrap that floated elegently toward their ankles. I sat smiling to myself as I watched my boys bonding over tools and my little girls bouncing around in their innocence.
     After the swing was finished, all four children and a dog piled onto the swing in pure contentment. Overwhelmed by the sight of them all in such close proximity, hapily overlapping in both body and chatter, I couldn't help but feel a sense of pure joy. At that moment Rachel looked up at me and said, "Mom, since we are having a happy moment right now, can we have a rice krispy treat?
   I love that even she recognized this happy moment. I am blessed by happy moments like these.
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Picking up the Shovel

2011-04-04T12:55:00.000-07:00

     I have been in a major rut. This is one of the worst ruts I have been in for a long time. I just can't seem to get myself out of it. I have been hating my duties lately. As I gathered the laundry from each of the bedrooms in the house I could feel the anger well up inside of my chest! It just feels like I will never reach the summit!! I keep climbing and climbing and every day I get knocked back down several hundred feet. I have been getting discouraged and have lost all of my motivation. As I was vacuuming the small hallway between my entry way and my bedroom today I remembered a story that I had read.

During the depression, a man had lost his job. He had been searching for work to no avail. Finally, he came to a job sight and just picked up a shovel and started digging. The foreman came to him and said, "Sir, I can't afford to pay you for your work." The man looked at him and said, "I don't care if I get payed, you see, I have to work." Day after day the man came to work for no wages. After a period of time the employer appreciated this mans work ethic and hired him.

The thing that really speaks to me in this story is that the man recognized that he needed to work. There are many reasons why we work and only one of those is to get payed. Good. honest, hard, work makes you feel good inside. We were made to work. I think that our society has become so conditioned to desire only ease and entertainment that we have forgotten the true value of hard work.
     I have been looking at my life from the wrong perspective. I am never going to reach any certain destination in my line of "work." No matter what, I am going to wake up to a full workload each new day.  It is not so much in the completing of the work but in the work itself that I need to take pride.  I just need to pick up my shovel and dig in. I may not "earn a wage" for my work that day, or complete the task at hand, but I have worked long and hard and for that I can be satisfied.

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My Reality

2011-04-03T18:02:00.001-07:00

Ever feel like this??

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A Trip down Memory Lane to Grandma Irvin's House

2011-04-02T09:59:00.000-07:00

We would all pile into the family mini van, usually on our way out of town. We could never leave without making a visit to our Great Grandma Irvin's house. With both sides of the family living only a couple of miles away from one another in the small town of Farmington New Mexico, our trips were always jam packed. As the car slowed to a stop the seatbelts came flying off and we stumbled out of the car, usually exhausted and arguing with one another.

Standing at the front door to greet us was my Great Grandma Irvin with her face wrinkled into a smile. She gave the tightest hugs; my face crushed into her chest and scraped against her glasses that dangled from a chain around her neck. We were invited in to her small entry area where she hung dozens of photos with nothing but love and a little scotch tape. "This is your Uncle Sam's daughter, Angie, and her two babies and aren't they just getting so big!" "Uncle Robert come down the other day to see me and he brought me . . ." her voice trailed off into the Living area as we all made our way to the sofas.

     My Grandpa Buck sat in the recliner chair next to the window.  He'd lean forward to hug me and my face pressed against the rigid edges of the wallet that he kept in the pocket of his shirt. I'd glance at the old box TV that sat lifeless on the floor. I can never remember a time that it was on or in working condition. Grandma always got out her old marble game and set it on the floor for us kids to occupy ourselves while the adults circulated around the room to look at all of the new photos that Grandma had received. As I got older I joined the parade around the room. The photos were both old and new, framed and unframed, some even leaned up against the frame or were inserted into the outside lip of the frame. Some were labeled correctly and some were not. Some of the great-grandkids were even placed with the wrong parent or family grouping. We smiled to ourselves and overlooked the mistakes. Grandma was so proud of her family, of that there was no doubt.
    Updates from the family and old stories filled the air as my siblings and I shuffled through the glass candy dish next to Grandpa. He always smiled at me out of the corner of his eye while I separated all of the strawberry candies from the butter scotches and the mints. Among my favorite memories of Grandma's stories is the way that she would laugh when she remembered the year that there was a fire in her house and she moved the family into the chicken coup until they could afford the repairs. She laughed and smiled as if it weren't a tragedy at all but a sweet memory of happy times.
     Grandma's pantry was always filled with all of the things that a kid could dream of, however, most of them were stale. Her refrigerator held flat soda pop and we drank it through a straw. We would eventually make our way out to the backyard. There was always a cool breeze and metal chairs with rust spots. I can remember bird feeders and tomatoe plants.
     Of course our trip would not be complete without a trip down to Grandma's cellar. She had Grandpa dig a whole in the ground under their bedroom closet. She removed a piece of carpet from the closet floor and there was a hatch and a ladder that lead to the celler. The dirt floor was cool and it always smelled of a musty clay. There were shelves full of canned foods. Grandma had an impressive amount of food storage but it paled in comparrison to the chambers that held it.
     Our visit always ended with a tear in Grandma's eye and a "You come see me soon!" or "You comin' to the reunion this summer?" She really was the quentessential Grandma. As I got older I came to understand a little more about my Grandma. She was always going to lunch with a friend or working at the Family History Center. She lived her entire life in her own home, she took pride in doing things for herself, and she maintained her positive energy until the end of her life. She had a love for life and a love of her family that is unmatched. I hope to be just like her. Love you Grandma. Miss you!

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Laundry Tips - Still True

2011-03-25T22:24:00.001-07:00

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Practical Advice

2011-03-25T20:42:00.000-07:00

Never serve colored beverages at a party . . . NEVER! (Especially when children are involved).
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Survival Mode

2011-03-22T17:55:00.000-07:00

I do not like "survival mode." This is the mode that I get into when I am barely keeping my head above water and I am doing only the essential things. This is when I do not plan ahead, I get behind, I forget things, and I have to dig through piles of clean laundry to find socks for my kids.  This is when I don't exercise, I eat things that I shouldn't and I feel tired all of the time.

I plan to break out of survival mode in the near future. Here are some of the things I plan to do . . .

-Get up early to work out.
     This always makes me feel like I am in control. I have a burst of energy after I work out and this gives me the push I need to start my day off right.

-Plan my Menu.
     When I don't know what we are going to eat for dinner I always feel like I am in survival mode. I whip something together at the last minute and feel unorganized. Planning my menu gives me a check point each day so that I know what I need to prepare and I can stay on track.

-Update my google calendar and schedule some of my important tasks.
     I am not naturally organized! With google calendar I can send myself text message reminders a day or two and an hour or two before something I need to do. This is saving my life!

-Have a nice dinner and Decorate with my new place mats.
     I have been in a rut. I recently bought some new place mats so that I could set the table nicely and we can sit down to a nice meal. I think this will make me feel like "Suzy Homemaker" and I will hopefully gain some momentum.

What do you do to get out of survival mode???

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Utter Chaos

2011-02-12T09:59:00.000-08:00

     Lemony Snicket's, "A Series of Unfortunate Events" comes to mind.  The morning had played out like a scene from an old movie, streaming in slow motion. By the time the mended flat tire rolled its way into the driveway it had been about an hour and a half.  "Utter Chaos" pretty much summed it up. It pricked a little as it rolled so casually off of her tongue.  The comment was innocent enough but it somehow wrapped up my whole life so helplessly in two harmless little words.

     After the truck drove out of sight with a 15 year old, slip covered, couch hanging off the tailgate, I took inventory of the rest of my day. Brittany had my van and I had four little inmates to entertain. I must admit that my two year old scared me more than the piles of laundry I had stashed in my master closet.

   I had come home the night before feeling deflated. I had an unfortunate encounter with an overachieving Mother of four who graduated law school, taught at the University of Texas, home schools her children, maintains a clean home, runs marathons, and is skinny and beautiful to boot!!! The final straw landed on the proverbial hay stack when I discovered that she is MY. SAME. AGE. How do some people accomplish so much more in the same amount of time?
     Fortunately for me, I came home to find my little sister, eight years my junior, with the wisdom of a woman four times her age. Among other things she said something so simple and yet so profound., she said, " Mom didn't graduate law school and she was and is the best Mom in the world!" This statement made me think about my Mother and all that she is and realize that it really doesn't matter that she didn't do those kinds of things. She is everything and more that we needed her to be. If I can become half of the woman that she is then I will feel accomplished indeed. Then Brittany read me this quote,

“Because of the conflicts and challenges we face in today’s world, I wish to suggest a single choice—a choice of peace and protection and a choice that is appropriate for all. That choice is faith. Be aware that faith is not a free gift given without thought, desire, or effort. It does not come as the dew falls from heaven. The Savior said, “Come unto me” (Matthew 11:28) and “Knock, and it shall be [given] you” (Matthew 7:7). These are action verbs—come, knock. They are choices. So I say, choose faith. Choose faith over doubt, choose faith over fear, choose faith over the unknown and the unseen, and choose faith over pessimism. "Elder Richard C. Edgley

Pessimism and I have been doing a little dance lately and unfortunately, I have been letting him lead. He is a good teacher, he talks you right through one step to the next, leading you across the floor until you are dancing effortlessly all over the sullen ballroom.

     I have felt the suffocating effects of longing for things that are unattainable for me at this season of my life. I am confused by the dichotomy of desires within my heart to learn and grow and change as an individual and to serve my family selflessly.

     I am constantly berated with the messages of today so I found it somewhat refreshing when I recently stumbled upon a passage from a book filled with the messages of yesterday.

It read,  "What about giving the heart? Isn't giving your heart equally as important as giving your mind? Those women who are experts in giving love, kindness and patience to their families are giving as much, yes, more, than their I.Q. Isn't the product of the heart equal to the product of the mind? Doesn't it do as much or more for the betterment of society. The ladies who donate their I.Q. to society may render a service, no doubt, not if in so doing they rob the home of its mind and heart, what then can compensate for this loss? And those ladies who feel that they have a gigantic brain must realize that unless they match it with a gigantic heart, they are only half a woman, and it would be far more important for them to stay home and educate the heart than to leave the home and go into the world to share their intellect there. Their contributions of the heart will do more for the well being of society than their contributions of the mind." (from the highly controversial Book "Fascinating Womanhood" written in 1963 by: Helen B. Andelin)
So I guess this is what I am doing. I'm giving and educating my heart here at home. Somewhere in this "Utter Chaos" I am giving my heart and I am teaching my heart about love and patience and tenderness and kindness. Some days I would rather lead with my mind or let pessimism lead with his expertise in undermining goodness and happiness. The heart seems the better choice and in time, its grandparent Charity may lead and the ballroom will no longer be sullen but filled with brightness and promise of a whimsical night filled with music and dancing and laughter and hope.

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Ideals

2011-01-11T14:47:00.000-08:00

"Don't ever become so obsessed with your ideals that you forget the thing that is most important - the people in your life."

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Interruptions

2011-01-10T09:31:00.000-08:00

INTERRUPTIONS

"When you are exasperated by interruptions, try to remember that their very frequency may indicate the value of your life. Only people who are full of help and strength are burdened by other persons' needs. The interruptions which we chafe at are the credentials of our indispensability. The greatest condemnation that anybody could incur - and it is a danger to guard against - is to be so independent, so unhelpful, that nobody ever interrupts us, and we are left comfortably alone."

-Anonymous

from The Anglican Digest

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The Dreaded New Year

2011-01-09T09:30:00.000-08:00

Every year when January 1st lands on the calendar, I feel the pressure. I know I am not alone in this. While I agree that the first day of the year is a fine time to have a fresh start, the very notion that we can suddenly be consistent in every ideal is a complete farce. I have set this standard for myself every year at this time and have found myself in suffocating anxiety three short weeks later. It is like a broken record and I never learn.

NOT THIS YEAR!

I tell you, it will not happen again.

First of all, I decided that I wasn't even going to think about making (or starting) any goals until after my kids went back to school. It would have been fruitless at best to even attempt to make any changes while I had all four "underminers" at home. Since the kids went back to school in the middle of the week, I gave myself a grace period of a weekend to recover from the Christmas "break."

In the past, I would investigate all of the dusty corners of my life only to determine that it was ALL important and that it ALL had to change. I had a very hard time picking and choosing which change was necessary and which sloppy habits I could leave hanging around . This was all very overwhelming and a real detriment to my self esteem. My thoughts read, "As turns out, I am a mess! How have I been living like this!" and the like.

I tell you, it won't happen again.

This year I have chosen two habits to implement in my life.

We can find my first habit in the scriptures in D&C 88:124

"Retire to thy bed early, that ye may not be weary; arise early, that your bodies and your minds may be invigorated."

I will be focusing on the second portion of the scripture and am hoping that the first will happen as a result of the second. I have found time and time again that when I get up early and exercise, read my scriptures and pray, or any combination of the three, I have a much better day. I am not going to set the goal to do these other things, I am merely going to get up early, and I am hoping that the rest will follow.

The second habit that I am going to work on this year has to do with a previous post I did about queens.
By 4:00 p.m. when my kids get home, the main areas of my house will be straightened and we will have an "intentional" dinner. We may be having chicken nuggets, but we will have them together at the kitchen table. I want my family to feel that there are some things that they can count on no matter what kind of day I have had. I want the time between when my kids get home and when they go to bed to be predictable and intentional.

So that's it! Getting up early and having things in some semblance of order at 4:00 so that we can have an intentional evening. No matter what else gets done or doesn't get done in my day, it will be a success if I have accomplished these two things.

Good riddance to overreaching goals that can't be met!

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Being the Queen

2010-12-15T19:43:00.000-08:00

I read the following story for the first time a couple of years ago. If you read it without an open mind you could completely miss the point. So, with an open mind . . .

When Queens Ride By

John and Jennie Musgrave had eager plans when they married and took over the old farm. But their great faith dwindled as the first years passed. John worked later and later in the evenings. Jennie took more and more of the heavy tasks upon her own shoulders and had no time for the home and children. They were no further on and life had degenerated into a straining, hopeless struggle.

One hot afternoon, Jennie was loading baskets of tomatoes to take to town when the children came running to tell her there was a dressed-up lady at the kitchen door. Wearily she followed the children back and saw a woman in a gray tweed coat that seemed somehow to be a part of her straight, slim body. A small gray hat with a rose quill was drawn low over her brownish hair. She was not young, but she was beautiful! An aura of eager youth clung to her, a clean and exquisite freshness.

The stranger in turn saw a young woman, haggard and weary. Her eyes looked hard and hunted. Her calico dress was shapeless and begrimed from her work.

Stranger (sailing): “How do you do? We parked our car in the shade of your lane to have lunch and rest awhile. And I walked on up to buy a few apples, if you have them.”

Jennie (grudgingly): “Won't you go in and sit down? I'll go and pick the apples.”

Stranger: “May I go with you? I'd love to help pick them.”

Jennie: “Why, I s'pose so. If you can get out here through the dirt.” (She led the way along the unkempt path toward the orchard. She had never been so acutely conscious of the disorder about her. She reached the orchard and began to drag a long ladder from the fence to the apple tree.)

Stranger (crying out): “Oh, but you can't do that! It's too heavy. Please let me pick a few from the ground.”

Jennie: “Heavy? This ladder! I wish I didn't ever lift anything heavier than this.

After hoistin' bushel baskets of tomatoes onto a wagon, this feels light to me.”

Stranger: “But — but, do you think you should? Do you think it's right ... Why, that's a man's work.”

Jennie (furiously): “Right! Who are you to be askin' me whether I'm right or not?

A person like you don't know what work is!”

Stranger (soothingly): “I'm sorry I annoyed you by saying that. If you were to tell me all about it — because I'm a stranger — perhaps it would help. Why can't we sit down here and rest a minute?”

Jennie: “Rest? Me sit down to rest, an' the wagon loaded to go to town? It'll hurry me to get back before dark.”

Stranger: “Just take the time you would have spent picking the apples. I wish I could help you. Won't you tell me why you have to work so hard?”

Jennie (half sullenly): “There ain't much to tell only that we ain't getting' ahead.

Henry Davis is talkin' about foreclosin' on us if we don't soon pay some principal.

The time of the mortgage is out this year an' mebbe he won't renew it. And it ain't that I haven't done my part. I'm bare thirty, and I might be fifty. I'm so weather beaten.

That's the way I've worked.”

Stranger: “And you think that has helped your husband?”

Jennie (sharply): “Helped him? Why wouldn't it help him?”

Stranger: “Men are such queer things, husbands especially. For instance, they want us to be economical, and yet they love to see us in pretty clothes. They need our work and yet they want us to keep our youth and beauty. And sometimes they don't know themselves which they really want most. So we have to choose. That's what makes it so hard.

Just after we were married, my husband decided to have his own business so he started a very tiny one. I helped my husband in the store, but we would both be tired and discouraged after a hard day at the office and we didn't seem to be having any great success. The house got run down and dinner was always a hasty affair, and soon we both started complaining and bickering with each other.

Finally, we decided that maybe I should stay at home and let him take care of his work at the office as best he could. And then I worked in my house to make it a clean, shining, happy place. My husband would come home dead tired and discouraged, ready to give up the whole thing. But after he had eaten and sat in our bright little living room, and I had told him all the funny things I could invent about my day, I could see the change in him. By bedtime, he had his courage back, and by morning he was all ready to go out and fight again. And at last he won.

(Jennie did not speak. She only regarded her guest with a half-resentful understanding.)

The stranger continued: “There was a queen once, who reigned in troubled days. And every time the country was on the brink of war and the people ready to fly into a panic, she would put on her showiest dress and take her court with her and go hunting. And when the people would see her riding by, they were sure all was well with the government. So she tided over many a danger.

“And I've tried to be like her. Whenever a big crisis comes in my husband's business, or when he's discouraged, I put on my prettiest dress and get the best dinner I know how, or give a party! And somehow it seems to work. That's the woman's part, you know, to play the queen ...”

(A faint “honk, honk” came from the lane. The stranger started to her feet.”)

“That's my husband. I must go. Please don't bother about the apples. I'll just take these few from under the tree.” (She took some coins from her purse) “And give these to the children.”

Jennie's thoughts were too confused for speech, but, as she watched the stranger's erect figure hurrying towards the lane, she remembered her words with the pain of anger.

Jennie: “Easy enough for her to set talkin' about queens! She never felt the work at her throat like a wolf. Talk about choosin'! I haven't got no choice. I just got to keep a goin', like I always have ...”

She stopped suddenly and picked up a fairy-like hanky of white linen that the stranger had dropped. Its faint, delicious fragrance made her think wistfully of strange, sweet things. Of gardens in the early summer dusk; of wide, fair rooms with the moonlight shining in them; of pretty women in beautiful dresses dancing, and men admiring them.

She, Jennie, had nothing of that. Everything about their lives, hers and John's, was coarsened, soiled somehow by the dragging, endless labor of the days. Suppose ... suppose ... suppose she were to try doing what the stranger had said, suppose she spent her time on the house and let the outside work go. . .

Jennie (with sudden resolution): “Mebbe I'm crazy, but I'm going to do it!”

Jennie brushed her hair, changed her shoes, and put on her one good dress. Then with something of the burning zeal of a fanatic, she attacked the confusion in the kitchen. By half-past four the room was clean. Now for supper! She decided upon fried ham and browned potatoes and apple sauce with hot biscuits, and pie. With a spirit of daring recklessness, she spread the one white table cloth on the table.

The first pan of flaky brown mounds had been withdrawn from the oven when Henry Davis' car came up the lane. Cold fear struck Jeannie. He could be coming for only one thing. As she stood shaken, wondering how she could live through what the next hour would bring, she heard the words again, “There was a queen once ...”

Jennie (cordially): “Well, Howd' you do, Mr Davis! Come right in. I'm real glad to see you. Been quite a while since you was over.”

Henry (embarrassed): “Why, no, not now, I won't go in. I just stopped to see John on a little matter of business. I'll just ...

Jennie: “You'll just come right in. John will be in from milkin' in a few minutes an' you can talk while you eat, both of you. I've supper just ready.”

Henry: “Why, now I reckon I'd just speak to John, an' then be gettin' on.”

Jennie: “They'll see you at home when you get there. You never tasted my hot biscuits with butter an' quince honey or you wouldn't take so much coaxin!”

(Henry Davis came into the big, clean kitchen and sat down. His eyes took in every homey detail of the orderly room.)

Jennie: “And how are things goin' with you, Mr. Davis?”

Henry: “Oh, so so. How are they with you?”

Jennie: “Why, just fine, Mr. Davis! It's been hard sleddin', but I sort of think the worst is over. We'll be ‘round to pay that mortgage so fast come another year that you'll be be surprised.”

Henry: “Well, now that's fine. I always wanted to see John make a success of the old place, but a man has to sort of watch his investments ... Well, now, I'm glad things are pickin' up a little.”

Jennie felt as though a tight hand at her throat had relaxed. At the kitchen door John stopped, staring blankly at the scene before him ... at Jennie moving about the bright table, chatting happily with Henry Davis! At Henry himself, his sharp features softened by an air of great satisfaction. At the sixth plate on the white cloth — Henry was staying for supper! But the silent depths of John's nature served him well. He made no comment. He merely shook hands with Henry Davis and then washed his face in the sink.

Jennie arranged the savory dishes, and they sat down to supper. Henry seemed to grow more and more genial and expansive as he ate. So did John. By the time the pie was set before them, they were laughing over a joke Henry had heard at Grange meeting. As they rose from the table, Henry brought the conversation awkwardly around to his errand.

Jennie (quickly): “I told him, John, that the worst's over now, and we're getting on fine! I told him we'd be swampin' him pretty soon with payments. Ain't that right, John?”

John's mind was not analytical. He had been host at a delicious supper with his ancient adversary, whose sharp face was marvelously softened. Jennie's eyes were shining with a new and amazing confidence. It was a natural moment for unreason[able] optimism.

John: “Why, that's right, Mr. Davis. I believe we can start clearin' this off now pretty soon. If you could just see your way to renew the terms ...”

It was done. The papers went back in Davis' pocket. They had bid him a cordial good-bye at the door. Jennie cleared off the table and began to wash the dishes.

John was fumbling through the papers on a hanging shelf. He finally sat down with an old tablet and pencil.

John: “I believe I'll do a little figurin' since I've got time tonight. It just struck me if I used my head a little more, I'll get on faster.”

Jennie: “Well, now you might.” (She polished two big apples and placed them on a saucer beside him.)

John (pleased): “Now, that's what I like. Say, you look sort of pretty tonight.”

Jennie (smiling): “Go along with you.”

But a wave of color swept up in her sallow cheeks. John had looked more grateful over her setting those two apples beside him now than he had the day last fall when she had lifted all the potatoes by herself! Maybe even John had been needing something else more than he had needed the hard, back-breaking work she had been giving him.

Jennie walked to the doorway and stood looking off through the darkness. A thin, haunting breath of sweetness rose from the bosom of her dress where she had tucked the scrap of white linen. She wished that she could somehow tell the beautiful stranger that her words had been true ... that she, Jennie, was going to fulfill her women's part. She had read the real needs of John's soul from his eyes that evening. Yes, wives had to choose for their husbands sometimes.

At that very moment, speeding along the sleek highway, a woman in a gray coat with a soft gray hat and a rose quill leaned suddenly close to her husband.

Husband: “Tired?”

Stranger: “I'm all right. Only, I can't get that poor woman at the farm out of my mind.

It was so hopeless.”

Husband (smiling tenderly): “Well, I'm sorry, too, but you mustn't worry. Good gracious, darling, you're not weeping over it, I hope.”

Stranger: “No, truly, just two little tears. I know it's silly, but I did so want to help her and I know what I said sounded insane. She wouldn't know what I was talking about. She just looked up with that blank, tired face. And it all seemed so impossible. No ... I'm not going to cry. Of course I'm not ... but ... lend me your handkerchief, will you dear? I've lost mine somehow.” (By Olive White Fortenbacher, published by Walter H. Baker, Co., 1932, Agnes Slight Turnbull, editor and compiler.)

Tonight was one of those moments when I chose to present the shiny apples. I went grocery shopping, planned a nice dinner, straightened the house with a little extra zeal, took a little extra thought about what I was wearing, and payed extra attention to my kids. When James came home things were in order and of course he was a little surprised and maybe even a little suspicious. Lately, things have been less than orderly. It takes effort and planning to be a "queen" and sometimes it doesn't seem all that important. However, on nights like these, I do believe that it makes a difference. If mom is in control, smiling, and looking her best, "All must be well in the land."

The kids did their homework early and we were able to have a very nice evening together making Christmas goodies, laughing, and being silly. They all need that when they come home, my husband and my kids. Although there is no one there to do it for me, someone must be there to do it for them. As a woman, I am capable of doing A LOT of things, some things just as good as any man (or better;). But sometimes . . . shiny apples mean the most. Here's to being the Queen!
As a side note, I must mention that I come from a long line of Queens. I owe my Mother and Grandmothers a great deal for their tremendous examples to me. I LOVE YOU ALL!

Proof of our enjoyable evening.

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A Hard Days Work

2010-11-29T21:11:00.000-08:00

Sometimes hard work is the best remedy for a good old fashioned rut such as the one that I have been in. I worked all day today doing things that I have been stepping over for weeks. It felt great and I feel great tonight! I did things like; going through papers, organizing hand outs and schedules for the kids, updating my calendar, clearing out the garage, and a quick rearranging of some things in my closet. I really needed today! I read a quote once that said, "Do something every day that doesn't have to be redone tomorrow." I think this is sound advice!! Try it!

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Be. Become.

2010-11-23T11:27:00.000-08:00

"We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day." ~ Richard G. Scott

     I was lying on my bed the other day with the very look of indifference written all over my face. I was skimming through the pages of our most recent Conference issue of the Ensign trying to feel the urge to read something. I just wasn't feeling it. Come to think of it, I have not been "feeling it" for a while. How long has it been, really? I felt the numbing sensations of cynicism creeping into my mind with every sentence. Blame it on the adversary, this was just not my day. The funny thing is, as I forced myself to read one of the articles I came across this line, "We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day." It stood out to me as I read it and rang true to me at the time but then I was right back to cynicism and indifference.
     What is interesting to me is that since that day I have thought of this statement MANY times. I guess that just goes to show that you can get inspiration even when the all odds, and even your own attitude, are against you.

     What I want to become . . . now there is something to think about! I used to think about it all of the time when I was young. I have a pretty good understanding of what I do not want to become. I see it in moments like walking into church 15 minutes late, running around on a Monday morning trying to find matching socks for the kids, never having toilet paper in any of our bathrooms but my own, forgetting a parent teacher conference, going to bed without prayer of scripture study, getting angry at the kids just for being kids, scraping dinner together out of this and that, and on and on. What I didn't want to become stares me right in the face and can get me feeling too overwhelmed to deal with thinking about what I actually do want to become.
For some reason, the idea of "being" what I want to become consistently made it seem simple.

Take it one day at a time.

So, that is what I intend to do.

Take it one day at a time. Keep it simple. Make small changes every day for that one day. In time, I hope to become that person that I visualize in my minds eye.

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Do Today's Work Today

2010-10-24T19:23:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl I remember my Mom as being always in motion. She NEVER stopped. She would move from one room to the next, picking up this, putting away that, closing a door here or there, wiping off the counter, sweeping the floor, folding clothes, putting clothing away, and on and on and on. The real trick was the way that it was just "her." She never seemed like she was just trying to get things over with. That was just the way that she operated, almost like a personality trait. She is still that way today. When Mom is around things are in order. I have often thought that she really ought to just "let it go" until tomorrow, or sit down for a bit and do it later.
Lately I have been pretty consistant in my house cleaning and straightening. I have found myself flitting around at night from room to room "putting the house to sleep" as I have heard it called. The closer thing get to being in order there is a stillness that enters my home and more importantly, my spirit. I feel calm. I am coming to realize that this is why my Mother does things this way. It is so much easier to do today's work today and it brings a sense of peace. I'm not talking about always having things mopped and vacuumed and deep cleaned. I simply refering to the kinds of messes that happen day to day; toys, backpacks, papers, dishes, etc. etc. So anyway, I guess I just want to say, "Thanks Mom!" You have taught me a valuable lesson all of these years and I think I am finally getting it. Love you!

Be Present for Your Kids

2010-10-14T10:54:00.000-07:00

You will notice that in the title of this post I did not say be there for your kids, I said be present for your kids. I think that we are all there for our kids when they need us but are we truly present for them?

     I think one of the greatest challenges that I face as a Mother is that of always being distracted. The world we live in now is fast pace. There is always something that can grab my attention, something that needs to be done, and even more often, something that I choose to do that seems more interesting at the time i.e. talking on the phone, checking my email, texting, blogging, facebook, etc. When we get tired of the monotony of every day life as a Mother there are a hundred things that we can escape to because of the wonders of modern technology.

     Unfortunately, I think that we are being robbed. It is easy to see that our children are being robbed but you know what, so are we! I know that my children need me to care for their every need but sometime I think I overlook the simple fact that I NEED THEM. I need their innocence, I need their unconditional love and acceptance, I need their perspective as they discover things for the first time, I need their sweet words and their little spirits to remind me of what is important and what is trivial. I need to take the time to laugh with them, read to them, hug them, kiss them, tickle them, and PLAY with them not only because they need it but because they are a part of me, and when I give to them, I am giving to myself.

     As I was pushing my babies on the swings, and reading stories in the grass, I realized that the simplicity is for me just as much as it is for them. There is one God given ability that women have that can be our greatest salvation or our great demise; that is the ability that we have to multitask. I think that we get in the habit of always doing at lease two things at once and we lose the ability to simply focus on one thing, our child.   There are times when we can fold laundry and have a meaningful conversation with our daughter, or read out spelling words while we cook dinner, but there are other times when we need to be fully present and not distracted by any other task.

Simply pushing my kids on the swing, feeling the sun on my skin and the breeze through my hair, hearing their laughter bouncing off the back of the house, suddenly I notice, I can breathe, and breathing keeps me alive.

Too long

2010-10-07T08:05:00.000-07:00

It has been too long since my last post. I have been a little lost in thought. A lot of things are changing right now in my life. My best friend is moving away, my sisters are going back to Utah and I just lost a long time friend yesterday to cancer. Years ago, these kinds of things would have me coming apart. Now, I just feel quiet. Life is about change. I'm trying to take it in stride. I will get back to posting soon. Until then . . .

Mom! It's time to get up!

2010-09-27T10:20:00.000-07:00

Our theme for the school year was simply, "Be on Time." This theme was general for every aspect of our lives and it is something that I really struggle with. In order to be on time you have to be prepared as well. Anyway, the girls have been ON TIME EVERY DAY THIS YEAR! Let me repeat: the girls have been ON TIME EVERY DAY THIS YEAR! (To school that is). What's my secret? I put them in charge! If it were up to me I can assure you that they would have been late probably once a week at the least. What did we do? We bought the little ladies their own alarm clock and they turn it on every night. THEY even lay out their clothes the night before. Every morning I wake up to the two of them dressed from head to toe, standing at my bedside. "It's time to wake up Mom," they say. I groan and turn over to my side. It is so hard to get up. By the time I am out of bed they are packing up their backpacks and in the kitchen for breakfast. I cannot believe that I didn't think of this before! This is amazing!! Thanks to Audrey and Rachel, we have yet to miss the bus and you know what? I am feeling quite accomplished (even thought I don't deserve any of the credit!)

New Goal

2010-09-06T11:44:00.000-07:00

I'm going public with my goal!!! I need a little extra boost to help me to commit. I recently finished a fitness competition that I entered into with James. I had a great time and I am so glad that I did it. The only problem is that after loosing 15 lbs and improving my fitness level, the competition is over and I need new motivation. I reached my original goal but as in most things now that I am here I want more! I want to lose another five lbs. So, I am going on record here to say that in 21 days I am going to lose 5 lbs. I was doing great with my eating habits all summer but since the competition I have been on a complete carb and sugar binge! Starting RIGHT NOW, I am going back to my good habits, no sugar for 21 days (and then sparingly), no crackers, chips, or empty carbs, whole wheat breads, pastas, and rice, low fat dairy, and LOTS of veggies and fruits! I can do it. I have done it before. Of course I will be exercising five days a week. I plan to go to the early morning classes at the gym and become one of those "over the top" women in the classes that do the whole class like they are on speed! I would like to get certified to teach and then I will get paid to work out! Ready, Set, GO!!!

Friday Afternoon

2010-09-03T14:28:00.000-07:00

I'm tired. I'm not sure if it is more from lack of stimuli or actual lack of sleep. Adam just informed me that he is hungry and then flashed me his most charming, "I hope she takes the bait" sort of grins. I'm opening the bag of sunchips that he has brought to me from the "not so secret" hiding place that I had them in. "They are NOT gone," he says, and then gives me a satisfying glance over the shoulder.
"Chi-ips!" exclaims Claire as she toddles in from the other room wanting in on the fun. There is something fun about sunchips to be sure. I have found my way to the bottom of a sinful too many a bag myself! It's much better, I have found, to buy the large bags instead of the smaller one serving bags. It gives you the sense that you are just going to have "a few" and then you don't know that you have actually helped yourself to about three servings worth! Two kids are set up at the kitchen table, happily eating sunchips or "licking" all of the seasoning off of them. (Claire)
The doorbell rings and it is the big sisters with a loot of smarties to share! I am now fighting with the wrappings of three bundles of smarties all fastened together aggressively with tape. Nothing is easy folks, nothing. Canned laughter from the TV floats in from the other room to land in my spot at the computer. My office chair is missing one of the wheels at its feet, so I am sitting a bit lopsided says a small twinge in my lower back. I lift and scoot the chair into place and slide backward hoping to have a little better position. Maybe if the slope is forward or backward instead of side to side? Now for the pesky afternoon headache. Why am I so tired all of the time? I really wish I had a sitter for "date night" tonight.

Loneliness and Depression

2010-08-16T12:33:00.000-07:00

An excerpt from "Eat Pray Love"
by: Elizabeth Gilbert
Depression and Loneliness track me down after about ten days in Italy. I am walking through the Villa Borghese one evening after a happy day spent in school, and the sun is setting gold over St Peter's Basilica. I am feeling contented in this romantic scene, even if I am all by myself, while everyone else in the park is either fondling a lover of playing with a laughing child. But I stop to lean against a balustrade and watch the sunset, and I get to thinking a little too much, and then my thinking turns to brooding, and that's when they catch up with me.

They come upon me all silent and menacing like Pinkerton Detectives, and they flank me- Depression on my left, Loneliness on my right. They don't need to show me their badges. I know these guys very well. We've been playing a cat-and-mouse game for years now. Though I admit that I am surprised to meet them in this elegant Italian garden at dusk. This is no place they belong.

I say to them, "How did you find me here? Who told you I had come to Rome?"
Depression, always the wise guy, says, "What- you're not happy to see us?"

"Go away," I tell him.

Loneliness, the more sensitive cop, says "I'm sorry ma'am. But I might have to tail you the whole time you're travelling. It's my assignment."

"I'd really rather you didn't," I tell him, and he shrugs almost apologetically, but only moves closer.

Then they frisk me. They empty my pockets of any joy I had been carrying there. Depression even confiscates my identity; but he always does that. Then Loneliness starts interrogating me, which I dread because it always goes on for hours. He's polite but relentless, and he always trips me up eventually. He asks if I have any reason to be happy that I know of. He asks why I am all by myself tonight, yet again. He asks (though we've been through this line of questioning hundreds of times already) why I can't keep a relationship going, why I ruined my marriage, why I messed things up with David, why I messed things up with every man I've ever been with. He asks me where I was the night I turned thirty, and why things have gone so sour since then. He asks why I can't get my act together, and why I'm not at home living in a nice house and raising nice children like any respectable woman my age should be. He asks why, exactly, I think I deserve a vacation in Rome when I've made such a rubble of my life. He asks me why I think that running away to Italy like college kid will make me happy. He asks where I think I'll end up on my old age, if I keep living this way.

I walk back home, hoping to shake them, but they keep following me, these two goons. Depression has a firm hand on my shoulder and Loneliness harangues me with his interrogation. I don't even bother eating dinner; I don't want them watching me. I don't want to let them up the stairs to my apartment, either, but I know Depression, and he's got a billy club, so there's no stopping him from coming in if he decides that he wants to.

"It's not fair for you come come here," I tell Depression. "I paid you off already. I served my time back in New York."

But he just gives me that dark smile, settles into my favourite chair, puts his feet on my table and lights a cigar, filling the place with his awful smoke. Loneliness watches and sighs, then climbs into my bed and pulls the covers over himself, fully dressed, shoes and all. He's going to make me sleep with him again tonight, I just know it.

Knowing what's good for you and doing it!

2010-08-11T12:54:00.000-07:00

I really can't believe how tired I am today! The problem is that sometimes when I feel down and out, I don't do ANYTHING that I know will make me feel better. I stay up too late, sleep in too late, I don't clean things up, I wallow, I eat the wrong things, etc. . .

I need to go to bed early tonight.

I need to eat a healthy dinner.

I need to exercise.

I need to straighten up my house and put away my laundry.

The question is, will I do it??

A Friendly Predicament

2010-08-10T07:14:00.000-07:00

Why doesn't anybody ever call my kids to play?

My kids are very social little beings, whether by nature or nurture, it is so. They LOVE to play with friends. Any old friend will do. Are we weird? Why is it that we are always the ones having to instigate the "play over" as my kids call it? Do my kids behave badly when I am not around, are they bossy or inappropriate? It begs the question. Here I am today with my predicament. The kids want to play with friends, I don't want to make the calls - again! I wish we were still in Utah where there were friends coming out of all corners of the Universe, all ready and willing to play, all day and all night!

When does School Start again???

2010-08-06T11:01:00.001-07:00

Clearing the Cobwebs

2010-08-04T21:20:00.000-07:00

I just got back last night from my month long vacation from reality. It is time to dust my life off, clear away the cobwebs and settle in. Would you believe me if I told you I am already exhausted after being home for one day? I came home from our vacation feeling completely rejuvenated. My cup was filled. It was everything I wanted it to be and more.
I did a lot of "arm chair parenting today." I just didn't have any energy.
I will give myself a day or two and then as James said, "get back in the saddle."

Here I go . . .

Mommy Survivor Kit

2010-06-23T11:55:00.000-07:00

The number 1. tool you should have in your Mommy Survival kit is a Best Girlfriend (s)! This is absolutely essential!! Many a woman has tried and failed to survive without this key element.

A husband cannot fill this requirement even with his best effort!

Try to choose friends who are positive and uplifting and can help you achieve your goals.

You will be better for it!

Happy Returns

2010-06-18T10:11:00.000-07:00

It is quiet. Claire is asleep and James took the kids to a Birthday party and let me stay home all. by. myself. It is amazing that I had moments like this only two short weeks ago on a semi regular basis. It now seems like a lifetime ago. The sounds of summer have filled every moment to the brim and silence has taken a vacation. It is surprising to me just how exhausted I am. I am training for a fitness competition that will be held at the end of this summer. I am certain that has contributed to my exhaustion but I have a feeling that I would feel this way even without the extra exercise. Claire is growing at lightening speed. She isn't really even a baby anymore. I always wondered how my Mom made the decision that she was "done" having kids. When I questioned her she said that she never even thought about it again. I am beginning to understand. There is no time to think about something like that. I am so busy, so full, so overextended, even fulfilled. I have been at a loss for words lately. I think I am in a learning phase. I don't have much to say because I'm still figuring it out, formulating my opinions, experiencing my experiences. There are no conclusions. What a journey I am on. It not much about finding myself, it is about giving myself to the people that I love until there is almost nothing left to give. The trick is in finding the happy returns and filling my cup with the small quiet affirmations that what I am doing is worth it.

Individuality in Marriage

2010-06-01T12:18:00.000-07:00

You dream your whole life about the man that you will Marry. Tall, dark and handsome, green eyes, funny, smart, dedicated to the Lord, loyal, etc. etc. You can't wait to have that person that will always be there, that won't ever let you down. You will walk hand in hand, smiling through life, kissing and smelling the roses!

I think the biggest misconception that I had was that after I was married I would never have to be alone again - ever! My better half would fulfill my every need, fill all voids and provide me with endless entertainment.
I am happy to say that I LOVE my marriage. I can't say that I have never been lonely, or that my husband has fulfilled my every need. What I can say is that after nine and a half years, my marriage feels like an old pair of jeans, they fit just right most days but are occasionally a little snug when I eat a big meal or forget to hang them dry.

For now, I think that the most important thing I have learned is this: to be an individual and allow my husband to be an individual as well.

Those of you who know my husband can vouch that there are few people more "individual" than he is. I learned early on that if I was ever going to survive in my new life I was going to have to learn how to enjoy being by myself! Being an only child, he has always walked to the beat of his own drum. Whether I played a snare, bass, tom tom, bongos, or a GONG, he wasn't going to walk to the beat of mine.

Over time, I have adopted the belief that marriage is a partnership between individuals that respect one another and allow one another to be who they are. It is okay to disagree in marriage. It is okay to not enjoy something that your spouse enjoys. Just because you are unified does not mean that you have to see the world through the same lens. If we respect one another's view points, we can have a more accurate picture of reality.
I believe that with space, patience, and lots of unconditional love and support, we will see our spouse blossom into the best version of himself. As women we like to micromanage things. It is important to remind ourselves from time to time to get out of their way.

The following is a poem that my Brother showed to me when I was searching for poetry for my sisters Wedding Book. I really like the message that it holds.

Sing and dance together and be joyous

but let each one of you be alone,

even as the strings of a lute are alone so they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts but not into each other keeping.

For only the hand of life can contain your heart.

Stand together but not too near together:

for the pillars of the temple stand apart,

and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each

others shadow.

–kahlil Gibran

Ugh!

2010-05-25T19:01:00.000-07:00

There has been lots of positivity on here lately so here's some ugly truth . . . I'm GRUMPY!!! I didn't get enough sleep last night and I am DONE! I need all of my kids to be asleep and out of my hair, not splashing water all over my bathroom floor and yelling at the top of their lungs! Ugh!! Where is my Nanny when I need her?

Just over the next hill . . .

2010-05-24T09:08:00.001-07:00

Dear Audrey, Rachel, Adam, and Claire,

I am writing this blog for you and today there is something that I want to say. I have had a sizable struggle with anxiety. It is not crippling as it can be for others but it is there nonetheless. I think every Mother has it in some degree. There is just something in me that has to worry. I worry about everything from the serious to the trivial to the completely illogical. Here is the point. It is not worth it to worry.
I have spent a great deal of time waiting; waiting for things to be more organized, life to slow down, for you to be older and more independant. Then, then I will have things together, I will have peace and stability and confidence. As time goes on, I am realizing that I will never arrive at any certain destination. Today may be all that matters. There are over a hundred cliches written on the matter, but for good reason.
There are always going to be reasons to worry. What is the cure for doubt and worry? FAITH. I used to think that having faith meant that I wouldn't worry because the bad thing that I was worried about wouldn't happen if I had faith. I am coming to understand that faith cures worry because we know that even if the bad thing does happen, it will be okay. We will find the strength to deal with what comes, the Lord will comfort us and teach us and we will come out on the other side stronger and wiser.
Having an eternal perspective is paramount to a happy life. Especially in this world of short sighted-ness. I am going to try to stop looking just over the next hill and start looking instead at the sunlight between the trees.
I hope that you will all have more faith than I. You will need it.

Weekend J.O.Y.

2010-05-22T22:46:00.000-07:00

J- Today Adam was carrying in the groceries from the car for me and said, "Mom . . . look . . . I have BIG MUSCLE'S!" He is such a little man and just melts me:)

O- Enjoying a wonderful evening with my little family and our friends at the park. The weather was surprisingly nice for this time of year. I love to be outside.

Y- Kissing Claire's soft cheeks in the pool and watching her sheer delight as she mimicked her siblings and ate chips in her car seat!

I also enjoyed watching a movie with my older girls last night. It is so nice to snuggle their little bodies.

Today was a really good day. It is the kind of day that makes you grateful to be alive. I spend so much time worrying about what the future holds that I sometimes miss the here and now. Everything was perfect. The kids are Happy and Healthy, my marriage is strong. I know that life will bring us our fair share of trials and triumphs. I am just happy that I was blessed with today.

2010-05-19T17:16:00.000-07:00

J- Playing with my Baby today on the floor in the piano room. Peak-a-boo, tickles, and lots of kisses!

O-I ate lunch today alone while listening to peaceful music. I actaully had the brain space to think!

Y- Got a lot of cleaning done and had a nice workout!

Guilty

2010-05-19T16:12:00.001-07:00

I'll admit, I am a bit of a self help junkie. I get a lot out of these types of books. I don't read them cover to cover, I skim topics and find the ones that apply to me. While at Walgreens the other day I picked up "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" 100 of the Best Inspirations from the Best Selling Series. I am really enjoying it:)

I came across this . . .

"We take simple preferences and turn them into conditions for our own happiness." ~Richard Carlson
Guilty as charged!!! I do this all of the time! I realized how profound this really is. I have preferences and I have a lot of them: I want to be thinner, I want my house to be clean all the time, I want to do fun things with my children, I want to have more free time, and on and on. How terrible that I have turned these things into actual conditions upon which my happiness is contingent! I will be happy when . . .

I'm going to stop it now!

Just for laughs!

2010-05-19T07:58:00.000-07:00

We'll get the last laugh won't we!

J. O. Y.

2010-05-18T07:42:00.000-07:00

Many many years ago, when I attended E.F.Y. (especially for youth) I had a counselor who challenged us to keep a joy journal. She asked us to write three things each day that brought us joy (one for each letter). I have done this on and off but I think that it is a nice concise way of keeping happy memories. So here we go again . . .

J- Enjoying a quiet afternoon with James. Adam was at his gymnastics Preschool, Claire was napping, the girls were at school, and I was enjoying a turkey sandwich, chips, and carrot sticks, compliments of my sweet husband.

O- Listening to Daddy singing "I once knew a boy named Bud Bud . . . " It is the worst song you have ever heard but it is oddly catchy. It goes on:

. . . who had big muscles

. . . who saved his sisters from a bear

. . . who saved his Mommy from a Tiger

etc. etc.

Adam gets so much delight in it and we laugh at James.

Y- Reading Harry Potter to the girls last night in my bed. I have never read the series and I am excited to read them with the kids this summer!

Here's a bonus one (yesterday was a good day).

-Listening to the rain and thunder and watching the lightening. Talking to James in candlelight when the power went out and being disappointed when the lights, TV, and computer all came back on!

Big Muscles!

Love it!

2010-04-28T20:02:00.000-07:00

I wish something like this could really work!

UNCLE!

2010-04-26T19:13:00.000-07:00

The last two weeks have brought parasites, ear infections, strep throat, and the stomach flu!

Uncle, I say uncle!

I feel like this wilting bouquet of once beutiful, thriving, flowers, bursting with color and smelling of sweetness: now just a shadow of what they once were, falling apart into pieces on my table and beginning to stink!

I also feel a little like this poor dead horsie on the girls bed (doesn't it look dead)?

. . . and the horsie's twin that has been burried by dirty clothes in the corner. (I definately feel like this one)

I am going crazy!!

I can't believe that we are back to this . . .

and this . . .

and still dealing with this . . .

(don't you think it's ironic that her throw up bucket says "party time")

(She just curled up like this on the floor)

Just two short weeks ago my house was clean EVERY DAY for 21 DAYS!!!

No more.

On another note: Don't you think this is cute??

(Mr. Clean because he ALWAYS has to have his face and hands clean)

Do you think it is bad for her to do this?

And here's to my Audrey, the only one who has remained Healthy! (the little stinker!)

Women

2010-04-22T08:00:00.000-07:00

What's for Dinner?

2010-04-21T08:00:00.000-07:00

I recently read that if you know what you are making for dinner that night in the morning, you will have a much less stressful day! Turns out . . . it's true! I waste a lot of time and subconscious energy on what we are going to have for dinner. "What do we have in the freezer? I could make______ . . . oh but I don't have_______. What about this? or that?" This goes on for hours and I never really solve the problem until I am making bean and cheese quesadillas (My go to meal) at 6:30!
Figure out what you are going to have in the morning right after the kids are off to school. It is so much quieter and you can take things out of the freezer or cook chicken and set it aside. An ounce in the morning is worth it's weight in gold between 5:00-6:00 p.m.! Am I right or am I right!!!

Magic Butt Balm

2010-04-20T08:00:00.000-07:00

4 oz 40% zinc oxide (nighttime relief Desitin)
4 oz petroleum jelly
1 oz triple antibiotic ointment

Works like a CHARM!!

Embracing the jeans that "fit"

2010-04-19T15:12:00.001-07:00

(No this is not my rear end)

I have had an epiphany that I really need to "embrace" the stage that I am in and quit "resisting" it.

This stage requires constant selflessness!

These are the days of making meals, forts, and play dates; wiping noses, counters and floors; changing diapers, attitudes, and sheets; fixing lunches, boo boos and broken hearts. These are the days of digging deeper, working harder, and sleeping less. These are the days of blisters and dry skin, wrinkles, house pants, and cellulite!

I remember once when I went shopping with a friend. We were trying on jeans and right there in the middle of the dressing room, she got down on the floor Indian style. When I asked her what in the world she was doing she said that she wanted to, "make sure that she could play with her kids comfortably in the jeans." What?!

I can't tell you what an example she was to me that day of where my heart should be. It wasn't about whether or not her backside looked good in the jeans or whether or not they were fashionable (although those things are important too:). It was important to her to be able to get down and play with her children.

So, here's to play dough and paper dolls, mac and cheese and McDonald's, finger paints and frilly socks, goldfish crackers and Goldilocks, crayola and captain crunch, baseball and blowing bubbles, Disney and dollies, PBS and peanut butter and jelly!

Priceless Habits

2010-04-19T13:32:00.000-07:00

I recently FELL OFF THE WAGON!!! I STOPPED working out altogether! I was sick of the pressure and wanted to get to a place where I could work out because it was a healthy lifestyle choice and not for the sole purpose of losing the ten lbs that I need to lose.
I am happy to say that I am getting there. I started a 21 day challenge about 10 days ago that I read about on "Asking Jane." She says that it takes 21 days to really feel the effects of something in your life and 21 days to really form a habit.
I started off really well with two days in a row of getting up early to work out! I was really excited!! Then, life happened. Swimming in a sea of duties and getting buried by wave after tidal wave of endless, sleepless nights, I managed to drag myself out of bed three glorious mornings out of the five that I had set out for. I say glorious because they became my saving grace to set the tone for my attitude and energy for the relentless hours of WORK that I was having to do day in and day out! I learned again that for me, getting up and having time to myself did SO MUCH MORE for me than getting an extra hour of sleep!
I was tempted to start over with my 21 days but soon realized that doing so would result in sure failure. There are always going to be weeks like last week. The very fact that I pulled myself out of bed THREE times during that week has given me the confidence that during a normal week I can do five easy! So, here I am, day 10 and I have only missed two days - not too bad!
I am feeling the difference in my life, motivation is making its way back into my psyche and most importantly, I feel more in control. Now, I don't have to wait until the evening to get time to myself, I have it in the morning and at night! Try it! You won't be sorry!

MOMents

2010-04-16T09:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the kind of day that no one tells you about before you are a parent. It was the kind of day that included, parasites, diaper rashes, ear infections, total strip down and clean of the entire house, laundry, laundry, and more laundry, excessive hand washing, sore ankles, and the like. In these moments I am tempted to wish away this time in my life. I am being humbled and taught much about service and sacrifice. I am coming to realize that it is my privilege to serve my family. The mundane things that I do from day to day are truly testaments of love. I could very easily go about my duties begrudgingly, but doing so would be to miss out on a beautiful experience. The Savior truly loved and served those around him. He was not above any task, why should I be? What better way to learn this lesson than by being a Mother. I believe that it was by design that women be required this kind of service to learn charity and to share the love of the Savior to all those around them. In this light, there are so many small and simple things that are great rewards to me. Small and simple moments that my heart is open and filled. Moments like the following:

The way that Adam looks at me. He loves me so unconditionally and depends on me for everything. We have a special bond that was born of the difficulty that he has had with communicating. (Not to mention he is my only son) I was his only ally in life when no one else could understand him. He trusts me completely. Our time together each night before he goes to bed is so special to both of us. He is my little man. (That is me under there)

The sheer joy of interacting with my Baby. There is something so natural about the love that you feel for your baby. They are so innocent and everything is new to them. You provide them with everything they need on a daily basis. A baby fills your cup in a way that nothing else can.

Feeling their soft squishy skin, hearing their first attempts at words, listening to their babble, seeing the world through their eyes, watching them learn to roll over, crawl, stand, walk and then run! What an amazing learning process. Seeing the sense of accomplishment written all over their little faces.

Watching my oldest child grow up and become so many things that I have tried to teach and emulate and so much more. Watching her care for her younger siblings and assume the role of the oldest that I am so familiar with. Seeing her mature and think for herself. It's hard to describe.

Seeing my children develop their own personalities, their own likes and dislikes, their own thoughts, their own emotions. They are, after all, individuals, little adults. It is the ultimate curiosity. I can think of few things more fun, be it a trip around the world or a fancy career. Few things are more fun than watching in awe as your children become themselves.

Funny moments that make us all giggle. Giggling children are contagious no matter what kind of mood that you are in.

Watching the older ones literally blossom into beautiful young ladies. Watching their hair grow, their faces change shape, and their bodies get taller and thinner. Listening to them read and watching them write sentences and creative stories. It is incredible to see.

Seeing the love that my husband has as a Father for his children. Being able to give him that experience. There are no words.

Experiencing the ups and downs of this great adventure with my best friend in life. The looks that we give each other when we are at our wits end, the bursts of laughter when things could not get more chaotic, the sorrows and vulnerability we share when we are faced with trials, the happiness and joy we feel equally over our children, the day in and day out chores that we juggle, the dreams, the hopes, the memories.

Just this week . . .

It was a really hard week. I got very little sleep, I WORKED ALL. DAY. EVERY. DAY. These are just a few of the moments that I would have missed.

*The surprising amount of gratification and accomplishment I felt when Adam finally said the letter sounds for L and G. It was as if I had passed a major exam or gotten an enormous pay raise.*

*When Adam came to me and said, "Momma, I have sugar in my eyes." (sand from the park)*

*Adam running to me while I was in the shower shouting, "Flower Doctor!" It was the only way he could think of to tell me that there was someone at the door with flowers. (from my sweet husband - another moment I would have missed)*

*Rachel's best lie about what the nurse said when she allegedly went to the nurse at school. "Well, I'm just not quite sure what to do about that" in her best nurse voice.*

*Claire's cute little lips making out the shape of the word "Eeeew!"*

*Adam surprising me with the knowledge of all of his letter sounds! He calls every letter a G but knows all of the sounds. Shock!* The letter G says . . . A, The letter G says . . . Puh, the letter G says . . . Buh, The letter G says Cuh . . ." *

*The way that Adam reaches up with his little hand and very abruptly turns my face toward his when I am on the computer.*

*Rachel reasoning about the plan of Salvation or why we need to tell the truth. She is such a deep thinker and comes up with questions and thoughts that blow my mind.*

*The way that Audrey came in last night from her date with her Daddy to the Miller outdoor theatre filled with energy and actually beaming! She was sipping a soda out of an old fashioned bottle with a straw. Her hair with its blonde streaks was wind blown and long down her back. Her cheeks were rosie from the chill in the air. She looked and felt more grown up than I think I have ever seen her.*

There are many days that it does not feel natural for me to be a Mother. It is hard work and sometimes I have a terrible attitude. The more time that goes on, and the more that is required of me, I realize that this role is completely necessary for me in this life. There is not better way for me to learn to be humble, to learn to serve, and to learn gratitude.

I feel blessed to be a Mother!

Some Practical Advice

2010-04-07T12:37:00.000-07:00

Your going to have to get up every morning and work harder than you've ever worked. But the work will be rewarding and even exciting if it's focused on teaching, loving and orchestrating small successes. Otherwise, your life is custodial and frustrating.
-asking Jane
Want more where that came from? I stumbled upon this blog today. (I took the quote from her)
http://askingjane.blogspot.com/2010/01/feeling-overwhelmed.html

Fasten your seatbelts . . .

2010-04-06T17:57:00.001-07:00

. . . it's gonna be a bumpy ride! My kids have decided to grow up!! You are not going to believe the conversation I had with my almost eight year old tonight. It went a little something like this . . .

Audrey:

"How come I can't have a cell phone?! ALL of my friends have a cell phone!" (Oh the injustice!)

Mom: (Me)

"Audrey, I am sure that ALL of your friends do not have a cell phone."

Audrey:

"I feel left out! I hardly have any electronics." (Did she just say electronics?)

"My friends can get whatever they want and you don't let me do anything. I feel like a baby!"

Mom:

"Well you are just going to have to get used to it!" "There are going to be many times in your life that other people are going to have things that you don't have. You have SO MUCH MORE that most children do. You need to be grateful for what you have."

Rewind to a couple of days ago . . .

Slam door and cue stomping and huffing.

Audrey:

"I feel embarrassed in front of my friends! My friend said, "You can't ride bikes out of the cul-de-sac!!?? I can go anywhere I want to." I feel like you treat me like a baby! Why can't I go outside the cul-de-sac!

Mom:

"I can't see you when you go outside the cul-de-sac and I don't want you to get hurt."

Audrey:

"I'm not going to get hurt!"

Mom:

"What if someone took you?"

Audrey:

"People in this neighborhood are nice, no one is going to take me!"

Mom: (What do I do here???)

"I'll tell you what, I will let you go around the corner to the stop sign and then you have to turn back around."

Audrey:

Out the door, new found freedom to be abused!

Split screen to Rachel . . .

Already outside doing everything that Audrey has at least bothered to talk to me about. Blissfully doing whatever she wants and not even taking a moment to consider whether or not it is allowed.

Cue Adam

"I want to play in the sprinkler!" (In broken English)

Mom: "Go ask your sisters to play with you."

Beep Beep Beep (door alarms)

Mom: (I'm sure he will come in when he realizes he can't turn it on by himself)

Five minutes later . . .

No Adam!!! All over the house, in the car and everywhere outside - NO ADAM!

Mom: (Panic!) He has never done this before.

10 minutes later . . .

Scan to nice lady walking hand in hand toward the cul-de-sac with half naked three year old boy.

Mom: Embarrassed, excuses, hugs, Thank you's!

Do I have a target on my forehead?? HELP!!!!!

Identity Crisis

2010-03-24T14:21:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I left my family and went back to college. It was such a liberating feeling. I remember that in my dream I took a long shower and spent a great deal of time primping. I attended a seminar/devotional and walked around all by myself. The strangest part about my dream is that my family was just "allowing" me this little break. My husband was taking care of everything in my absence.
Some days I really do want to go back to college, or even high school. I could be so selfish and no one really blamed me. Everything I did was for me. I did the things that I loved to do and I felt NO guilt whatsoever. I was thin (although I didn't know it). I could eat all kinds of junk food without paying for it at all! I actually had fun doing exercise and it was built into my daily schedule so I never even had to think about it. (I was on the dance team). My love life was exciting, my boyfriend was Romantic and I had fun things to do on the weekends!
These days I have to wait until after 8:30 p.m. to be selfish. Even then, there is guilt because there are always things that I "should" do. Not to mention, if I don't get to bed early enough then I will not have the energy to wake up early to exercise. Exercise is less than fun and something I have to do to try to lose weight. I'm exhausted ALL THE TIME even though I am almost certain that I get more sleep than I did in High School. I feel completely out of shape in every way.
Although there are many things that I would never want to go back and relive, I am sure that there are things about the here and now that I will look back on someday and not want to do over. I just hope that I am skinny, have energy, and have regained some of myself by then. Here is to hoping . . .

Arm Chair Parenting

2010-03-07T19:19:00.000-08:00

My husband coined the phrase "arm chair parenting" today and I thought it was too good not to share. This is the kind of parenting you do with the least amount of effort from the comfort of your "arm chair." I was lying in bed today trying to take a nap and the kids would come in every few minutes with needs or complaints. I made them leave and shut my door and then I resorted to yelling things from the other room like, "say your sorry." "give him back his game." etc. I then complained about the fact that I was having to "deal with the kids" instead of take a nap like I wanted to. That is when he said, "all you were doing is arm chair parenting." We had a good laugh.

Giving up . . .

2010-03-04T21:19:00.000-08:00

So . . . I have given up on flylady! I'm sure she is a wonderful person with some great ideas but I just don't have time to shine my sink people!!

She fed my super Mom complex and made me feel like I really could do it all! Not true. Maybe you can do it all but I cannot!

I've adopted a new way of doing things. It's called, "Do what you can and forget the rest." Brilliant, I know.

The trick with this new school of thought is letting go of guilt. You CANNOT have guilt for what you have not accomplished or it DOES NOT work!

My days have definitely been lighter.

Yesterday I finished a lot of laundry and did a whole lot of other things that I don't remember at the moment. Today, I vacuumed my stairs! I emptied my Trashcans! I swiffered my floors! I mopped my bathroom! . . . and of course all of the other mundane things that I usually do. I even managed to squeeze in a shopping trip just for fun! My trick? I felt like it.

Dangerous? Maybe. I have a lot of days that I don't feel like it.

My Dad shared a story with me that has turned out to have a lot of relevance.

"When he was young he had to weed the side of his house that was not sodded. This was a vast see of weeds that went on as far as the eye could see. (At least to his young eyes it seemed). Because he is a creative person, this chore was just too much! What a boring job, bend and pull, bend and pull. So, what did he do? He took out his trusty Hoe and divided the great rectangle that was his parents side-yard into a giant pie. He worked one sliver at a time until the whole pie was rid of it's green leafy topping. Some days, he would divide it into little squares, a patch work of ragweed and dandelions. After he was all finished, he would rake it into diagonal lines or throw in a couple of swirls just for kicks.

What is the relevance of this you ask?

Housework is my side-yard, and chores are my weeds. I can't pull the weeds the same way each time or my creative brain will suffer from stimuli starvation. Although I haven't figured out how to divide my house into a pie shape quite yet, I have given up on the bend and pull approach.

Here's to creative monotony!!!

Today

2010-02-01T09:36:00.001-08:00

In an attempt to overcome my great struggle with anxiety, I am going to try to focus more on "today" and worry less about everything else.

Today I am working my way through this . . .

Today I am grateful for good friends that always know what to say even when it's not what you want to hear.

Today I am avoiding this . . .

Today I am proud of myself for finally finding my way to the gym for body pump at 6:00 a.m.

Today I am looking forward to finding balance in my life and getting comfortable with my responsibilities.

Simplify

2010-01-13T09:44:00.000-08:00

I recently read this post http://71toes.blogspot.com/2010/01/my-2010-word.html about focus. It is very true that if we focus on what is right in front of our face we will lose sight of the object that is in the distance.

I also read this post from Cjane http://blog.cjanerun.com/2009/09/first-babies.html about how there is a time and a season for all things.

After setting myself up for COMPLETE failure with my new years resolutions I was completely overwhelmed with ANXIETY. (something I really STRUGGLE with from time to time)

After a minor breakdown this morning and an emergency phone call to the most patient man I have ever known; the only man I know, in fact, who can actually listen to a fully emotionally charged female rant and make sense of it, (my Father) I am feeling better.

This is what I have decided to do - Erase ALL of my goals but one!! It was liberating. I went to the computer spreadsheet that was set up to calculate percentages of my successes and failures and I hit DELETE. (Sorry Honey . . . I guess I am not ready).

I then made this:

Simplify

Personal Spirituality

Quality Time with Kids

I'm going to hang it on my fridge.

Does this mean that I am not going to try to lose 15 lbs, maintain and ultra organized house, or stop eating sweets, etc. etc.?

No.

That is just not going to be my focus.

Have any of you ever seen this object lesson?

There is not yet sand in this jar but there is room enough to fill this jar with sand. If you put the sand in first, the rocks will not fit.

I have LOTS of sand!

But the ROCKS are the most important.

Deep sigh . . .

Thanks Dad.

Why do I eat sweets?

2009-12-31T12:27:00.001-08:00

Why do I eat sweets?

I know they're bad for me.

They make me feel fat and grumpy.

They make my pants tight, which also makes me feel fat and grumpy.

Sometimes, they even gives me a headache.

What is it about sweets?

As I pressed my fork down through the smooth texture of my famous pumpkin cheesecake, I thought about not eating sweets.

I raised my fork to my mouth . . . the velvety texture on my tongue . . . simply divine.

Comfort food. Pure comfort.

It is doing something that you know you shouldn't do.

It is a privilege.

Something out of the ordinary in the midst of ordinary life.

It speaks of family and friends and laughter, it smells and tastes of love and happiness.

It's a cup of hot chocolate on a cold winter night, a pan of fresh, warm Cinnamon rolls on a Sunday, a bowl of ice cream on a summer's day, strawberry short cake of the fourth of July, apple pie when the leaves start to turn, chocolate cake on your birthday,and on this day, pumpkin cheesecake to bring in the New Year.

I fear it's in my blood . . .

and on my thighs!

Confession . . .

2009-12-20T09:25:00.000-08:00

I ditched church in the middle of Sunday school. Just grabbed the baby and ran for the door. Now it's just me at home + baby's sleeping = heaven! Sunday mornings are hard! I love church but I have the hardest time with the "getting to" part. I am always late. It doesn't even matter what time I get up, I'm late. Some days I get upset about it and others I shrug it off. Today I am feeling a little overwhelmed. How can one person do all of this? I now have a family of six and I am the Mommy! I am the one that is supposed to hold all of this mess together! My hat is off to you women of all ages who have managed to figure out a way. I guess that is where I am at, figuring out a way. We've got the love part down. There is a lot of love to go around. It is all of the managing. Managing emotions, clothing, meals, paperwork, groceries, events, homework, and extra curriculars. I'm off to try to "organize" myself on paper . . . wish me luck!

Weekly Chores

2009-11-03T09:34:00.000-08:00

Monday:
-Empty Trash (Every trash can in the house!)
-Wash and change Sheets
(half of the beds each week)
-Clean Mirrors
(mirrors on landing, in piano room, dressers, bathrooms, French doors, and front door)
-Swiffer Floors Swiffer around the kitchen table and snack bar
(all hard surfaces including bathrooms)
-Get caught up with Laundry Run two or three loads and then give up
(Folded and put away in drawers)
-Throw out old magazines and mail Look at the stack in the corner and let out a deep sigh
(Any paper clutter that we don’t need)
-Clean out refrigerator How long has this been in here? Didn't we have this last week. (Green mold and fuzz means longer than a week)
(Throw out old food and wipe down)

Tuesday:
Empty Trash
Change Sheets
Clean Mirrors
Swiffer Floors
Vacuum Stairs and Upstairs
-Plan Menu Waste time looking up new recipes and flipping through cook books and then decide to make the old standards because you don't have the energy to make a grocery list of all of the new items you will need.
-Grocery Shop I'll wait until my husband gets home.
-Mop Floors Spot treat spaghetti stains . . . Why do I even put this on here??
(on the main floor and the bathrooms)
-Water Plants Have I ever done this??

Wednesday:
Empty Trash
Change Sheets
Clean Mirrors
Swiffer Floors
Vacuum Stairs and Upstairs
-file papers In the trash can
(bills, kids art, etc.)
-Run errands
(make returns)
-Outings with Kids
-Arrange a babysitter for Friday. Wish we could go out this weekend!

Thursday:
Empty Trash
Change Sheets
Clean Mirrors
Swiffer Floors
Vacuum Stairs and Upstairs
-Zone Cleaning
(focus on a specific area)
-Clean Bathrooms Clear the area, wipe down with a clorox wipe and call it good
(Toilets, tubs and sinks)
-Wash bathroom and kitchen rugs They're still in the laundry room from last week.

Friday:
Give up on Monday's Chores and decide to do them next Monday.
-Clean out purse Say What?
-Dust Say What?
-clean laundry room I can barely open the door!
(wipe down washer and dryer, clean out shoe basket, take items that are hanging to their appropriate destinations)
-Go on a date! Watch reruns of Sienfeld and go to bed.

Saturday:
- Clean out and wash the car. Have you seen my car?
(includes vacuuming, washing windows and wiping out interior)
- Play with Family!
- Saturday Chores Scatter toys all over the house!
(preparing for the Sabbath: straightening up, setting out clothing for church, empty dishwasher)
- Prepare for Sunday Dinner Finally go to the grocery store!
(plan what we are having and take things out of the freezer, make certain dishes in advance)

Sunday:
-Write in Journal Try to take a nap!
-Play games and spend family time.

Does anyone know a good housekeeper?

Energy

2009-10-16T07:25:00.000-07:00

Energy is a curious thing. It seems like I am always trying to figure out how to have more energy. My latest unexpected discovery is this; I am way off when it comes to what I think will give me more energy.
Normally, I figure that I need to give myself more "down time" so that I can recharge my battery, then, I will have more energy. Down time usually consists of, TV time, couch time, Computer time, etc. Recently, I have discovered that going for a walk with the kids or kicking the ball around gives me more energy than couch time. My best excuse for not doing those things has always been, "I just don't have the energy, I am too tired." I never realized that running around and playing with the kids would actually give me more energy than it required. Who knew?
The other thing that I typically think after a long and somewhat sleepless night is that I should sleep in. "Sleeping in" for a Mom is merely just lying in bed for an extra thirty minutes to an hour and then rushing around trying to get everything done that you need to get done before you get your kids out the door. Make breakfast, pack lunches, argue about which outfits they can wear and how white tennis shoes don't look good with church dresses, brush teeth, do hair, lecture about the crying and complaining while doing hair, finding matching socks, finding shoes, tying shoes, filling water bottle and backpacks and coaxing children out the door only to miss the bus and end up driving them to the school.

At least that is how it usually goes for me.

So . . . I have decided that sleeping in is overrated. Do you know what is really worth it. Getting up! It gives me so much more energy than sleeping in. Who knew?

Again, who knew?

The problem with my discoveries is that I usually end up rediscovering them many times over. How to make it stick?? That is the real problem.

Venting or complaining - take your pick

2009-10-14T09:09:00.000-07:00

I am grumpy. I am not entirely sure why. It is kind of ironic since my last post talked about how happiness is a choice. So, I guess, I choose to be grumpy today. I think I am tired which always seems to make it worse. I also had a TON of sugar last night at Enrichment which probably has something to do with it. (The crash after the sugar high) I feel like there are a thousand things that I am trying to do that are essential. I need to be organized, not just so that my house will sparkle but just so that we can find the things we need in every day life. I need to read to my kids more. Audrey is falling behind her class and Rachel does not know all of her letter sounds and some of the kids in her class are already reading! I feel overwhelmed and guilty that I have not done better for my girls. How are they ever going to succeed if I can't get my act together and make sure that they are where they need to be in school. I just feel like EVERYTHING takes so much time and EVERYTHING is important. I feel guilty that they have been eating complete junk for dinner that last few nights as I have planned Enrichment Meeting. They need healthy food so that they can have healthy bodies. I totally believe that! I also see other Mom's that have their children "dressed to the nines" and my kids clothes are getting faded and thread bare. They are so darn cute and I feel that they deserve better. On the other hand, I think it is good for them not to have everything and to learn what is really important and what is not.
I am also feeling like a boring Mom. Rachel said to me the other day, "Mom! I have been seeing lots of Halloween decorations at other people's houses! We need to put our decorations up!" What decorations? That is just not something I have spent any money on. I don't want my kids to miss out on Holidays because I was too cheap to pick up a couple of ghosts and scarecrows at the dollar store.
Then for my greatest concern . . . health. I am so afraid of Rachel getting sick again. She has been complaining about her stomach hurting and then this morning she said that her foot was hurting. It could be a stomach bug and her shoe could have rubbed her wrong yesterday and made it sensitive (she is missing a lot of cushion around that area). I just hate that my gut always wants to think the worst. I am also frustrated that with all of the habits that I want to have as part of my character are fleeting at best. AARG! Anyway, I will keep on trying! Until next time . . .

A Creative House is a Messy House

2009-10-10T07:19:00.000-07:00

I may be wrong about this one. So far, it is VERY true for me. I haven't figured out a way to get everything done on my list and everything clean in the house and then sit down and "be" creative. Every time I am "creative" the house goes to pot! I have been working on Invitations for Enrichment Night at church, throwing the kids an impromptu party for the long weekend, and writing this blog. Oddly enough, (as my Dad always says) the laundry is scattered, the dishes are piled high, and there is "stuff" everywhere! Oh well. We could be clean and BORING!

"Happiness is a State of Mind"

2009-10-10T06:41:00.000-07:00

I have heard this idea and concept before. It sounded nice. However, it wasn't true for me. Happiness was the result of things going well in my life. I was happy when I was getting along with my husband, when I was at my "perfect" weight, when I had cute clothes to wear, when I liked my haircut, when I had good friends, when I had something "fun" to do, when my house was clean, and when my kids were well behaved. (To name a few) Surprisingly, I wasn't "happy" very often. In my ignorance, I believed that outside influences had something to do with the whole thing! What a giant misconception!
My husband used to tell me, "nobody can 'make' you happy" or "nobody can 'make' you mad!" (This argument usually used in his own defense) "Phewey!" I used to think. You are making me mad right now!! How truly wrong I was.
As life has happened to me over the last few years, I have discovered that the old adage has some clout! You mean I have some control over this? Fascinating! As it turns out, happiness is a choice that I get to make every day. I have found that the strongest tool to have in my toolbox is gratitude. When I become grateful for my life, I am free to be happy.
The next enlightening realization for me was that I had to stop "expecting" my life to turn out a certain way. A wise friend of mine always says, "all frustration stems from unmet expectations." I should expect to have trials, and expect for things not to go as planned. That is life. Now that I know that, I can choose to BE happy because I AM a happy person, not because my life is exactly what I want it to be.
I am going to choose to be happy. I hope you will too!

*I have been interrupted four times since writing this and Rachel and Adam have been given chocolate milk and goldfish crackers for breakfast to keep them quiet.

Becoming Mom

2009-10-10T06:21:00.000-07:00

I have decided to change the whole focus and idea of this blog. Originally, the idea was that I would start this blog with all of my "Mom" friends and we could all contribute ideas and experiences. Since that concept has not evolved, I have changed course. I told James the other day that I had decided to keep writing this blog for the sake of my own children. Someday, I would like to give them a book of this blog's contents. I would love to know of the processes that my own Mother went through as she "became Mom." I always picture her as she is now, with all of her wonderful characteristics and habits in tact. Someday I would like my children to look at me that way. However, I would like for them to read about the times when I fell short! I want them to know how difficult it was for me to develop the habits and character traits that I hope to possess in the distant future. I hope that they can learn from my mistakes and hopefully from some of the things I do right as well: a guide book to Motherhood if you will. So, if you continue to read, this is about to get a little more personal. I am comfortable with that.

Music

2009-10-05T06:39:00.000-07:00

My Dad has taught me that music sets the tone in your home! All of my childhood memories are rooted in this idea. If you lived at my house growing up, this is what you could expect:

Fourth of July - Patriotic band music blasting throughout all rooms of the house at 6:00 a.m. to get us excited to go to the parade.
Christmas - All different kinds of Christmas music from spiritual to sacrilege!
Birthday - The Beetles "They say it's your Birthday" wake up call
A weekday Morning - "The Hills are alive with the Sound of Music" compliments of my Dad sung over the intercom!
Sunday Morning - Hymns or Classical Music
Playing cards or games as a Family - Soul music
Road Trips - You name it . . . this is when we were helplessly subjected to all kinds of music whether we liked it or not!
Around the Campfire - Silly songs that Dad picked up along the way. None of the words were sung correctly but we always had so much fun.
Bedtime - Much like campfires without the smoke:)
Dinner - Depending on what we were having for dinner, we listened to Italian, Latin, Indian, you name it! Eating pasta is much more fun while listening to "When the Moon hits your eye like a big Pizza Pie it's Amore . . . "

The list could go on.

My Father doesn't think that he passed on his love of music to us kids! He recently gave me a playlist of "Light Classical" music that I have been playing in the morning for the kids. It is AMAZING the difference that this makes! The tone of our home instantly improves. I love my Dad for sharing with us his gift of music. (He is a composer and musician by trade)

Play music! It adds color to life!

Starting Your Day By Choice

2009-10-05T06:22:00.000-07:00

I can think of few things worse than waking up in the morning to crying kids! There is something about being ripped from your sleep to the shrill sounds of discontent coming from the other room. You immediately go into "Mommy" mode. You are barely able to wipe the sleep from your eyes before you are knee deep in diapers. By contrast, you hear the sound of an alarm, you look over and actually CHOOSE to wake up. That's right, you choose to get out of bed and start your day. There is something empowering about it. At this point, I am working out, reading my scriptures, and praying before my kids (and husband) get out of bed. At first, just getting up 15 minutes earlier to take a shower can do wonders! You give your mind a chance to wake up and you feel in control instead of victimized. It will change your whole perspective!!

This . . .

VS. This!

Inevitability

2009-09-11T14:05:00.000-07:00

in⋅ev⋅i⋅ta⋅ble:

–adjective
1. unable to be avoided, evaded, or escaped; certain; necessary: an inevitable conclusion.
2. sure to occur, happen, or come; unalterable

"You look like I used to when I needed to study for a big test," James said to me this afternoon. Ha! I remembered it well, the slap happy, fidgety, distract-able, demeanor that he would take on in moments like that. He would do ANYTHING but study; eat, start random conversations, complete odd jobs around the house (even if they were not pressing at all), anything to keep him from hitting the books. He hit the nail right on the head. That is EXACTLY how I am feeling today. ANYTHING but cleaning up this mess . . .really. Do you ever get like that? I have such a mental block about it right now. I just simply do not want to do it. How many times have I stepped over that pillow? looked at those dollies? Stared at that laundry basket? Avoided those shoes? and shamefully, walked past that diaper! Yuck! I don't want to be a housekeeper today. Unfortunately, there is a true principle looming over me and that is the law of inevitability. I will inevitably have to get up off of this chair, inevitably have to unload my dishwasher, inevitably have to put away my laundry, and inevitably have to get on with my chores and responsibilities! Oh reality - how I hate thee!! Your cruelty is immeasurable! Denial is so sweet.

Simple Words

2009-08-18T08:01:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, my Adam is a man of few words. He struggles with words; both speaking words and listening to words. I never knew that it could be so difficult to "teach" my child to speak, a process that I took for granted as it naturally happened with my two girls. Adam has been in speech therapy now for a few months. He is making progress, slow and painful progress. Throughout this process, I have come to truly treasure the few words that are spoken by my sweet (sometimes not so sweet) little boy. Last night while I was reading to him and tucking him into bed, he said very simply, "sing." SING. Oh, of course I'll sing! It was a special moment. He was able to articulate a desire and I was able to fulfill his wish. Simple human interaction - profound progress.

Mental Health Days

2009-08-08T19:46:00.000-07:00

My Husband was amazing today and gave me a "Mental Health Day." He took the kids to a Birthday party and then went grocery shopping and then took them swimming and to the park. This meant that I was home today from noon until 7:30 p.m. It was so nice to have a little peace and quiet around here. I baked some pumpkin squares with cream cheese frosting, did a little laundry, layed around, and basically just tried to get my bearings again. I don't know whether it is just that it is August in Texas or what but I have been going nutty! I just can't seem to get ahead. After a day to myself I am feeling much better! Thank you honey!
Model Husband +

Yummy Dessert =

Happy Wife!

Reality Check

2009-08-04T10:21:00.000-07:00

I'm yawning from my early morning workout! It's going to be a long day! Still worth it!

I'm WAY behind on laundry again! Uggh! I hate this chore!!

Early Morning Workouts!

2009-08-04T10:17:00.000-07:00

I know. I know. It is SO hard to get out of bed for these! I have tried so many times to make this one a habit! I have only gone for two days in a row now but I swear this will save you and give you so much more time in your day. Imagine a day where you have exercised and showered before your kids are even out of bed! So invigorating! I even try to squeeze in a little scripture time as well. If you can muster it, it makes all the difference!

Life Saver for you and your toilet bowl!

2009-08-04T10:13:00.000-07:00

I picked up some of these and threw them into my toilet tank and didn't really think too much about it. My upstairs toilet doesn't always get flushed as often as it should (Rachel thinks that witches come out of the closet when you flush the toilet). I don't "go" up there very often so this can go unoticed. Since having these in my toilets, they have stayed clean so much longer!! I am definately a fan!

I love chocolate! I hate being fat!

2009-07-24T20:25:00.000-07:00

This is a serious problem! I know that many of us suffer from this great dilemma every day of our lives! I have one of the worst sweet tooth's known to man. I tell myself that I am going to go off of sugar and before I know it I am half way finished with a bag of peanut butter M&M's (my personal favorite!). Is there anything worse than a fat day? I can't stand it. If my pants are tight I am instantly in a bad mood. Working out is too hard! There is no instant gratification to be had! I am so discouraged!!!! Whenever my husband tries to simplify things for me, I tell him to try gaining and losing 30 to 40 lbs every other year for the passed eight years and then tell me how he feels. I hate men!! Know it alls! I'm sure you have all heard the saying, "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." Some things sure get close!

Fresh Air

2009-07-15T19:08:00.000-07:00

Lying in the grass in my parents backyard I breath in. The air is cool, thin, and sweet. The sunlight bounces off the leaves in the tree overhead as they sway in the light breeze. It's quiet. The world around me is still. I can't remember the last time I had a moment like this. Thoughts flood my mind, "I need to do this, I can't forget that, I must call____." Stop. Take this in. Relax. It hits me. This is important. Perhaps more important than every other task on my list. Take time to breathe. In and out, in and out, rise and fall. Breathing. It's simple really, takes no thought at all, or does it? There is of course, the air we breathe every day all day long, but a real breath, now that takes some effort. Taking a breath requires being still, quiet, calm, and listening. I must do this more often.

Reality Check

2009-07-15T14:12:00.000-07:00

It has been five hours since my last post and I have not vacuumed one thing! Between lunch, speech therapy, nursing, dishes, and laundry, I am exhausted! I am going to have to vacuum tomorrow.

So much to do . . . where do I start? (I think I'll just sit down)

2009-07-15T08:54:00.000-07:00

Doesn't she look so Happy??
I'm writing this post primarily for myself. I just went on a week long trip without my kids. It was wonderful but I came home to a house that was without a Mother for six days! There are fingerprints on everything! So, take a deep breath and start with the basics. When I am faced with a messy house I go one room at a time and straighten up. FlyLady suggests that you bring a clothes basket along and place everything that doesn't belong in that room in the basket so that you are not running back and forth from one room to another. Clear the clutter, make beds and Vacuum! Vacuuming is rejuvenating. It makes you feel like things are cleaner than they are. The other reason that I love to vacuum is because in order to vacuum you have to clear the floor. So, I'm off to clear the clutter and vacuum! Have a great day!

One Amazing Woman!

2009-06-27T21:54:00.000-07:00

Leah Tanner Cardon

I will never forget my many visits to Granny and Grandad’s house as a child. In the early morning hours, the door would swing open and in would walk Granny carrying grocery bags full of our favorite things: seven –up with vanilla ice cream, “Granny’s specialties” a.k.a. toast with ham and melted cheese, butterscotch candies for hocus pocus, peanuts, and of course all of the fixings for Dad’s favorite fried chicken.
There were evening rides in the back of Grandad’s el camino, and afternoons in the backyard playing on the close line and cinder block fence. I remember the comfort I felt at Granny’s house and the walls and walls of endless memories, all testaments of a life well lived. I can almost see Grandad sitting on the corner square bar stool eating his eggs, sunny-side up, sopping up the yolk with a piece of toast. I can see him in the garden watering the lawn or pulling weeds. They were a perfect team, each such flawless examples to their posterity.
I have often thought of Granny as a young lady. In a time when girls just didn’t do things like go on missions and attend college, she did. At a time when women married young and stayed in the home, she experienced life, then married and still had eight children to boot! With all of the smarts and talents that she possessed she mothered her children. She cultivated their interests and fostered a love for beautiful things, poetry, music, literature, and the arts. She scrimped and saved so that she could provide opportunities to her children that they would never have otherwise had. She thought outside the box, parenting with creativity and cleverness. She was quick witted and saucy, yet respectable, appropriate, and unassuming. Always there to lend a hand, she led a lifetime of service. Never above the most menial tasks, she worked her entire life for the betterment of others.
Somehow, from her modest home in Farmington New Mexico, she managed to inspire her eight children to explore all facets of life; to taste, create, and experience all of what our world has to offer, all of the while, staying true to the thing most precious above all, a testimony of the Savior. What a legacy she leaves behind. In her own quiet way, she has inspired us all. Her name will always mean dignity, selflessness, humility, intelligence, strength, resilience, faith, and endurance. Leah Tanner Cardon. We love you! Love, Niki

Alone Time

2009-06-27T20:34:00.000-07:00

It's 1:45 a.m. and I am up waiting for my images to upload to an album that I am making for Brittany's wedding. What am I doing up at this hour you ask? I'm enjoying the silence and I just haven't been able to part with it just yet. Silence and I have been strangers as of late. Now before you get too excited, thinking that I have been relishing in silence for the past four or five hours, think again. I just tucked Rachel back in bed after a bad dream (this happens at least four times a week) and I also just put Claire in her crib. I have really been thinking a lot lately about my role as a Mother. I have all of these high hopes that I will be gentle and kind and nurturing and other such adjectives that we often hear to describe Mothers. Instead I feel irritable, moody, grouchy, bossy, etc. I renew my goal each night to become more "Mothering" only to renew my goal again the next night feeling a little discouraged. The truth is, it just gets too loud around here and my nerves just get a little too sensitive. I want to be patient, I really do, but when it is 5:30 and I am preparing dinner to the sounds of children thudding through the kitchen and squealing at the top of their lungs, laughing hysterically (which is cute but also strangely annoying). I love that they are having a good time and enjoying “their chother” as Audrey would say, but I just can't remember if I put in one cup or two. That is when my blood starts to simmer and then turns into a slow boil. I want to tell the kids to "BE QUIET!" but what do I expect them to do? Sit and fold their arms on the couch - then I would really be worried! I read all of these lovely quotes about not caring about your house and playing with your children, enjoying their childhood, seeing things through their eyes. When you are knee deep in laundry (did I say knee deep? I meant head high) and there is clutter in every corner how do you turn a blind eye??!! I have good intentions. Tonight I was prepared to read stories and play with their hair, sing songs and lull them off to sleep. One whine after another whimper; "I have to go to the bathroom!" "I need a drink." “I’m hot.” “I don’t have any space.” and what happened to my good intentions I ask as I all but slam the door shut on my way out. These are my babies. I love them, each and every one. There is not enough me to go around. So, here I am, at 1:59, alone in my office, relishing in silence, preparing to be a Mother tomorrow

Reality Check

2009-06-26T11:05:00.000-07:00

There is elmers glue on the rug and stickers stuck to the desk in my husband's office. Adam was standing on the desk with a bottle of glue (lid off) when I walked in. The surface of the desk is leather.

Reality Check

2009-06-26T09:56:00.000-07:00

Claire, my four month old (size 2 diapers) will be wearing Adam's diapers, my 2 1/2 year old (size 5) for the remainder of the day or until I can get to the store without my FOUR children (whichever comes first).

One habit that will save your life!

2009-06-23T16:24:00.000-07:00

Fly Lady says that you should wash, fold, and put away all of the laundry in your house every day! Now before you have a complete panic attack, hear me out. As I am typing this I probably have two loads of laundry to fold, one in the washer, one in the dryer, and three or four loads (if you count the comforter that needs washed) left to put in. AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
That my friends, is the result of NOT taking flylady's advise. It takes a lot of hard work upfront to begin doing laundry this way. It requires that you get all the way caught up and then you can start the maintenance process.
In order for me to stay on top of it I have to do two loads of laundry a day (clean, folded and put away). This way, I only do two small loads a day and it takes me way less time and energy! It is much easier to fold two small loads of laundry than it is to do my eight loads that I have to look forward to today!
One laundry day a week is impossible! A wise woman once gave me a helpful tip. She said to fold your laundry immediately when it comes out of the dryer and then put it away if time permits. That way you do not get in the habit of letting it sit in piles and it doesn't have time to get wrinkled.
Remember, if it is only one of two small loads, it will only take you five minutes! So much easier! Now, I'm off to play catch-up! I hope I can get back to this more efficient process soon.

Doesn't it take just as much work or more??

2009-06-23T15:54:00.000-07:00

My friend Eden read the last post and asked this question in regards to teaching your children to help. The answer is yes and no. I have always thought the very same thing. I can't stand it when I am stressed out and trying to clean or cook and the little people get involved! It is hard to manage their little hands and their clumsy efforts in a stressful situation. To avoid this, you have to plan ahead. You have to change your mentality. You are training them, not just getting the work, done. What surprised me was that as soon as the kids got involved they were also entertained. Keeping the kids busy while I tried to do housework was always my greatest challenge. This way, they are busy helping and it really takes no extra effort. They come to me and ask, "what else can I do Mom?" I may have to go back and finish their jobs here or there but it is still easier than doing the whole thing myself. My greatest fear is to be the type of martyr Mom who has to do EVERYTHING for her teenage children! It is our responsibility as parents to TEACH our children how to function as adults. I can't tell you how many times I hear my friends talking about how they do not know how to cook! I have been making one of my girls my dinner helper and the other my dish helper. The dinner helper gets to help me cook meals that week. It may only be a couple of meals but every little bit helps. One night, we had breakfast for dinner when we were running low on groceries. Rachel was my helper. She stirred the eggs in the pan while I watched. She then made all of the toast and buttered each slice! She felt so proud of herself! There are so many little things that the kids can do to help cook. The key is to start with a clean surface and as little outside noise as possible. That means putting on a movie for the younger kids or setting up a game in the other room. Trust me. Teaching the kids to help is easier in the long run and is an absolute must for your children's future!

Reality Check

2009-06-18T10:49:00.000-07:00

I totally forgot that I invited people over for dinner and was kindly reminded when they showed up at my door! Can you say improvise???

Rally the Troops!

2009-06-17T08:33:00.000-07:00

A new day has arrived at the carter home! I am no longer alone! I now have a little army of cleaners at my disposal if I will only take the time to train them. The days of cleaning my whole house by myself from top to bottom while my kids watch TV are over. Now we blast music throughout the house and everyone gets a job. The kids actually really enjoy helping! I have been amazed at what the kids are able to do!

Rachel helped with drying and putting away dishes. Age 5

Rachel and Adam were given windex wipes to clean the windows and mirrors. (Windex wipes work much better for kids because they can't spray the whole bottle of windex on one window!)
Adam, Age 2
Audrey vacuumed the stairs! Hallelujah (I hate vacuuming stairs). She also vacuumed the other rooms in the house. age 7
I have really had to change my attitude about teaching the kids to help. I have learned some great lessons in the book that I am reading "The parenting Breakthrough." by Merrilee Browne Boyak. She says "parents who nurture too much convey messages like this to your children: You can't do this because - You are not smart enough.
You're not reliable enough.
You're not old enough.
You're not responsible enough.
You're just a child.
I don't trust you.
I don't believe in you.
You're not capable of taking care of yourself.
The quality of your work is inadequate.
Moms do all the work.

On the flip side she says:

"The best self-esteem for children comes from being able to do things on their own."

"In the final analysis it is not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings." Ann Landers

So, teaching my kids to do work builds self confidence! When put into action I was amazed at how the mood in my home changed. Instead of feeling like I was alone cleaning in circles while the kids destroyed things behind me, I felt like we were on a team, having fun and working together. We work hard together before noon and then we can do something fun for the rest of the day!

A list of age appropriate tasks to follow next post!

Hey Ladies!

2009-06-16T20:39:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited about this blog! Every time I have ever posted anything about Motherhood on my own personal blog I have had an overwhelming response. The truth is, we can all use all the help we can get! Throughout my own personal journey of becoming a Mother (and by becoming a Mother I don't mean simply giving birth to a child), I have stumbled upon some really helpful resources. I want to share them with you! I want this to be a place where we can all discuss parenting issues, home organization strategies, emotional health and wellness, physical health, and the like. There is so much involved in being a woman! We are complicated creatures! Ready . . . set . . . go!

The first thing I want to share with you is a poem. It goes a little something like this . . .

I am your constant companion.
I am your greatest helper or heaviest burden.
I will push you onward or drag you down to failure.
I am completely at your command.
Half of the things you do you might as well turn over to me and I
will do them - quickly and correctly.
I am easily managed - you must be firm with me.
Show me exactly how you want something done and after a few
lessons, I will do it automatically.
I am the servant of great people,
and alas, of all failures as well.
Those who are great, I have made great.
Those who are failures, I have made failures.
I am not a machine though
I work with the precision of a machine
plus the intelligence of a person.
You may run me for profit or run me for ruin -
it makes no difference to me.
Take me, train me, be firm with me, and
I will place the world at your feet.
Be easy with me and I will destroy you. Who am I?
I am Habit.
(Anonymous)

Wouldn't you love to have something done automatically and without thought? I would. Lets create some good habits!

According to the experts who study human behavior, it takes only twenty-one days of doing something consistently to form a habit. In other words, it can be just three weeks to a better me! Poor habits can be exchanged for good ones or a new one can be cultivated in three short weeks. Good habits are liberating.
It’s worth it to create good habits in your home management. The returns will be good habits for the entire family, allocating much of the daily doings to the automatic pilot of habit, thus freeing you up to build relationships and enjoy creative pursuits.

©2009 Daryl V. Hoole

Start small!

Tomorrow morning when you wake up, make your bed immediately.

Then, open all of your blinds and let the morning sunshine in! (No! Not sunshine when I'm all groggy! (My point exactly!))

Next, start a load of laundry (or restart the one that you left in there yesterday).

Then unload your dishwasher (or load it and run it from last nights dinner) while your kiddos eat breakfast and watch cartoons.

Ahhh, doesn't that feel better! By now you should be feeling energized and optimistic!